Read this! It’s ‘important’!
As you’ve learned in teh grammerz over the last few weeks, the English language* is pretty shit. Seriously, it’s all over the place, just vomiting everywhere. Every English grammar rule has so many exceptions that it’s just completely random and makes no sense. Even I, a self-proclaimed Grammar Nazi, Grammar Nerd and Master of Language, have not completely mastered the English language, despite it being my native tongue.
I’ve tried to write this damned column to advise you about English, give you knowledge* for you to practice it correctly. But we still screw it up. We’re all still dependant on something, something inherently flawed in the language—the assumption that English should be written the way it sounds. That writing should be as easy as speaking. Well, it’s not.
Yeah, I make mistakes. In fact, I made two* in the last paragraph—two mistakes that, thanks to the simultaneousness* of the presentation of the written word, I can safely say were intentional. And did you see them? Did you pick them up as you were casually reading this? I think not. Does it matter, then, that I made these mistakes? Did they distract from the clarity or unclarity** of my statements?
I think not. It shouldn’t matter. But we still strive for perfection, for unity, consistency. And we get farther* away every day. I’ve given up. I’ve written all I care to write about the English language. And what am I left with? This column to write, and some obscure shit nobody picks up on, save for a few. They’re probably not going to tell you about it. We’re through the looking glass.
So. Mistake number one. Practise/Practice. These two words are pronounced the same way, but serve different functions. I might have written about this before, but to be honest, I can’t be bothered asking Jackson to send me the www.lmgtfy.com link. Here’s the explanation anyway. Practise is a verb, and practice is a noun. The same goes for license and licence. You know the difference between nouns and verbs, right? Right? Right.
Instead of going into the whole noun/verb thing again, here’s a useful trick (that Rory taught me) that will let you know whether you should use the –ise or the –ice form. I’m going to advise you of some good advice. The useful thing about comparing these spellings is that advise and advice have the same corresponding suffixes, but the pronunciation between the two words is different. Advise is the verb and advice is the noun. You should be able to compare how these two words are used to figure out their function, relating it to the practise/practice example.
Mistake number two. Dependent/Dependant. Once again, these two words are pronounced the same, but have just one letter different. And they serve different functions. FML. FYL. Fortunately, 99 percent of the time you’ll only use dependent, as in to be dependent on something. The –ant form is used for describing people who are dependent on something—dependants, such as beneficiary dependants.
Here’s another one. Compliment/Complement. Until recent times I wasn’t even aware of these two different spellings. The verb compliment means to praise something or someone, whereas complement means to go well with something. If you compliment the waiter, he might recommend a wine that will complement your meal.
The most important thing about these minor differences is that if you get it wrong, nobody will care. Your spell check probably won’t even pick them up. So why bother? Spell it how you like, and maybe one day English spelling will one day actually make sense.
In conclusion, fuck English. Fuck English grammar. Fuck English writing. Scheiß auf Englisch. Lass uns alle Deutsch sprechen.
*What the fuck kind of word is that? Just look at it.
**Not an actual word.