Te Aro
Cold. Damp. Full of hippies. Who would have thought a house could get no sun? At all. In summer. Aro Park is a punk hang-out; the perfect place for fried food and nurturing a substance dependency.
Khandallah
Rich fuckers festering in a Tim Burton suburban hell. The trains never run on time. Once I asked out a girl at the video store and she fake-numbered me. The bitch.
Brooklyn
Full of dog-hating sweaty young families who look at you (and your dog) like you’re trying to steal their babies. Closest ‘burb to the dump shop, which, honestly, is probably where you should be, you bohemian asshole.
Newtown
Home to the refuse of society and art wankers. Slowly being gentrified, thank god. People treat this whole suburb as an extension of their living room, wearing fluffy slippers and bathrobes to get a greasy hangover feed on a Sunday morning, like the human fucking ferals they are. Has gotten safer lately with just three murders a year. Likely to encounter hipsters and human skidmarks.
Mt Vic
Up-and-coming professional wankers. This is where your landlord lives. Soon to be violated by a fucking great big flyover. At least it’s close to town; unfortunately, it’s also close to the gnat-brained boy racers on Kent Terrace.
Kilbirnie
Kind of like Hamilton. If you don’t like Wellington, you’ll probably love it. Enjoy the noise from the airport—hope it doesn’t deafen you before Pantera or whatever terrible music you like does it first.
Lyall Bay
Home to the resilient Maranui café, which has caught fire twice but totally refuses to take the hint.
Karori
Cold and far away, why are you even considering this? Local drivers refer to cyclists as human lice. Biggest suburb in the southern hemisphere, can’t see why. An emotionally desolate desert, fit only for the alone and infirm. Like you.
Kelburn
“Only two minutes from uni, bro!” Still not worth it. It’s a choice between the tasteless grey bakeries, or throwing yourself off the cable car. You should choose the third option: gargling fucking acid until the poison that is existence no longer troubles you.
Island Bay
Look forward to your neighbours complaining about any noise above a whisper. Was home to cool people, then they died. Now it’s just middle-class people and freaks who like to pretend through holey sheets that they’re middleclass.
Miramar
Does anyone live here? Rumours tell of a porn palace with plush carpet, a room full of mirrors and an indoor pool. If the entire suburb were to sink, no-one would miss it. Not even the people who drown in it.
Hataitai
Enjoy getting cancer from the tunnel, and stumbling upon 16-year-olds getting fish-fingered in the 24-hour laundromat.
Northland
Oh, really? Why not just move to the fucking moon?
CBD
Ideal for socalites, low- to mid-level drug dealers and those who can only orgasm when elderly women put cigars out on their clits or balls.
Thorndon
Home to the most expensive New World in New Zealand, Katherine Mansfield’s birthplace, and a terrible swimming pool in which I hope you drown.