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Why Britney Spears and Paris Hilton are like totally awesome y’all

Hannah Cooke



For our last column of the semester, we’d thought we’d do something a bit different. Instead of the usual intelligent, insightful analysis of all things Internet related that you all have grown accustomed to, we decided to write about someone much closer to our hearts. Someone we are personally attached to. Britney.

Oh, Britney. How did she somehow manage to become even more awesome than we could have ever imagined in her pop-princess days? Every time she pops up on some highly reputable blog (see our gofugyourself article) or weekly magazine, she just seems to have gotten more and more cool. First, obviously, she shaved her head. Excellent, no-one saw that coming, and what a statement she made: “I am a cracked out, trailer trash ho”. Genius. Oh God, how we love her. More recently, she’s started releasing weird statements to the press, about how her dad, like so many men in her life, cannot handle a real woman’s love. She has started doing shows where she lip-synchs along to about five of her ‘hit singles’, dressed in a cropped fur jacket, a mini skirt, ripped up fishnets and white stripper boots. So cool, so classy. Her newfound awesomeness actually blows our minds. It’s like she’s gone down this excellent voyage of self discovery, and is coming out of it in more amazing ways than anyone could ever have predicted. Sigh. And she finishes every sentence with ‘y’all’, too. As in, ‘I am so hot, y’all! Y’all cannot handle a real woman’s love’. What is really great, and the moral of the story, we suppose, is that we got to watch this amazing period of self-growth in Britney all on the Internet, right alongside her. How great for her to have the entire world (or those with the Internet, anyway), watch as she underwent such an awe- some transformation (or mental breakdown), cheering her on from their PCs. Yay for Britney. The transformation from teen jailbait pop star to fully fledged insane person occurred in the full glare of the media, (which probably had something to do with it anyway). Oh Britney. You may be totally insane. But you have become by far the most interesting person on the Internet. Christina ain’t got nothing on you.
And then there’s Paris. We couldn’t finish off our column, especially one about celebrity trash, without mentioning dear Paris Hilton. You know Paris and Britney actually started hanging out, right about the time those sexy crotch shots of Britney Spears so coked out or whatever, wearing no undies surfaced. That would also probably also have been around the time Paris started getting into DUI’s. They’re real winners these two, role models for the world. Especially now that Paris is going to jail. That won’t be no Hilton, Paris! Haha, that’s actually pretty funny, this non-talent who is famous for pulling wasted stunts like this and thought she’d never have to face any consequences for it is now going to the big house.
She’s probably never had to wash a dish or walk past a homeless person in her whole life (except maybe for on her ‘reality’ TV show The Simple Life, but you know, what she did on that programme was hardly what you’d call ‘work’) and now she’s going to be living in a tiny cell for 45 days (it’s actually the size of a bedroom in a flat in Wellington) surrounded by convicts! Poor Paris. You just know that she’s going to be someone’s bitch. Sorry to be gross, but it’s true. We’re literally crying a bucket of tears for her.
Paris is famous for using the media to up her profile, no matter how shameful her new stunt. Did anyone notice how suspiciously close to the premiere of her first season of The Simple Life that sex tape of her and one of her many, many ex’s got ‘leaked’? But now it’s backfired. Look at her, all dressed up for court, playing the victim, and loving the attention. But then the minute she hears the word JAIL she freaks. Her mother even freaked and, according to people.com yelled ‘You’re pathetic’ at the prosecutors. Haha. Looks like the whole family is delusional. Gosh, celebrities are awesome. But Britney is much more awesome.