Somewhere in Otaki? OR IS IT?
Last week we sent out a flier for any information on the whereabouts of the VUWSA van, which has been missing (and greatly missed) since the beginning of 2010. The van, otherwise known as The Hax Mardy Pussy Party Bus and from here on in referred to as THMPPB, was last seen cruising by the main trunk line in Otaki, presumably on ‘business’.
Since then it hasn’t been seen, heard from, or used for deviant purposes by anyone on the VUWSA executive. Nor have any of you given us any leads to its whereabouts, probably because no one goes to Otaki (Thinking out loud, here: what the hell was it doing stopping in Otaki?) Naturally we at Salient are concerned, not least because we think someone left some library books inside THMPPB.
We do have some theories on what might have happened to it, though. Here are some of our best guesses:
1. Shipped to Saudi Arabia for scrap metal and parts
Fairly likely, as the recent bust-up of an Auckland van-stealing-and-shipping syndicate has shown. Jokes on them, though, as THMPPB would never get past the sniffer dogs in Saudi customs.
2. Mobile meth lab
Complete with tweaked-out all-night driver/cook. Highly practical, and can make deliveries of high-grade methamphetamine to pretty much any location in the country faster than you would think possible. Salient will be keeping a tab on any reports of vehicles exploding on State Highway 1.
3. Just waiting…
…waiting for the time to pounce.
4. Converted to horse float
For small horses and ponies. Not actually the first time it’s been used for equine activities, but that’s a story for another time. This would, of course, raise several more questions, such as: Why is a little girl’s pony being transported around in a float with a giant penis on the side? and: If the daddy stole this van for a float, where did the daddy get the horse from?
5. Set on fire
Actually we’re 90 per cent confident that this is what happened. Chances are that all is left is a blackened shell sitting on blocks outside a corrugated iron and barbed wire fence—wheels removed. This is small-town New Zealand we’re talking about after all. THMPPB, may your dirty soul rest in peace.
Next week we’re gonna settle this once and for all. Join us next time for the third instalment of Where the fuck is the VUWSA van, in which Salient further investigates the possible whereabouts of the VUWSA van using Google Earth and the phone book.