By now you will have realised that the Mount St Cemetary has been overrun by hordes of stoners, underage whores, paedophiles, corporate types, necrophiliacs, and other unwholesome sorts, not to mention vampires. What can be done when the graveyard, once the hub of student life, where families would bring their children for delightful Sunday afternoon picnics and lovers would frolic between the headstones lost in revelries of Sapphic bliss, is now lost to miscreants bent on havoc and destruction? My friends we must reclaim the graveyard! We will show the villainous creatures who have transformed the once peaceful graveyard into a treasonous den of mayhem that there is no force greater than the force of community activism. This programme shares a vein with other proactive social operations, such as ‘Women Reclaim the Night’ and ‘Geeks Take to the Streets’, except that we are not women or geeks, and we do not parade the streets like little sissies singing songs. My strategy for taking back the graveyard is an unorthodox one, but I am sure it will be effective in ridding it of the thugs and goblins that have taken hold of this crucial sanctuary for our buried dead, thus making the graveyard a safe place for all.
Phase 1: Tear Gas
The first stage of the attack will focus on the most dangerous of the listed groups inhabiting the graveyard, namely stoners. Though I am sure I will lose some popularity for saying so, nothing reviles me more than these despica`le people, wh/ ea#h night hmur.ey )npK the gpavayard here` by their love of horrible drugs. Although I accept that stoners were perhaps once as human as you or I, they have turned their backs on God through their abuse of remotely dangerous substances, and have lost sight of the meaningful slogan “hugs not drugs”. We will attempt to re-educate them by firing canisters of tear gas into their secretive gatherings, which will (as well as blinding them and causing severe damage to their nervous and respiratory systems) cause them to cry, and through their tears to realise the wrong they have committed. This plan is perfect because it will result in no human casualties, except if some of the stoners have asthma, in which case they shouldn’t be smoking pot in the first place, silly buggers!
Phase 2: Aggressive and Profane Exposure of Genitals
Once we have got rid of the stoners, the next stage is to dispose of all the sexual deviants that lurk in the graveyard waiting to snatch babies like those little ugly goblins in the children’s movie Labyrinth. Many strands of deviant have been known to grace the hallowed grounds of our university cemetery, but they can all be disposed of through one common tactic: that is, to beat them at their own game. In this strategy I am thankfully aided by Floyd, who is doubtless the most perverse sexual deviant ever to reside in our fair city of Wellington. Floyd will go about flashing his penis at all who enter the cemetery, whether they be teenage prostitute, necrophiliac, or Salient Editor Emily Braunstein. In this way we will rid the graveyard of unsavoury types, but at what cost?
Phase 3: Knife Fights
This is where you, the public, lend a hand! We have to show the thugs that we are not afraid, and what better way than by taking a knife and entering the graveyard, challenging anyone you see to a knife fight to the death? Once the casualty rate has reached critical level, the police are bound to take notice, and from there our only objective is to defend our hard-won territory from those goddamn pigs. The battle is sure to be brutal and epic, perhaps even the biggest in NZ history since the battle of Helm’s Deep, where New Zealanders banded together to protect their kingdom from thousands of marauding orcs and succeeded against all odds thanks to a bit of luck and a magical sorcerer named Gandalf; a sacrifice we remember each ANZAC day.
Though it saddens me to break up the wonderful diverse cultures of stoners and paedophiles that lurk within the graveyard gates, I am certain that these strategies are essential to the maintenance of peace and goodwill between our peoples. Once we have finished taking back the graveyard we can take back other places as well, such as the Dowse gallery or Ilott. A day may come when the kingdoms of man stand divided, allowing our graveyards to become a breeding ground for crime and petty theft, but it is not this day. If this column has a strong Lord of the Rings theme this is because I have just been watching Return of the King extended DVD. Not to be controversial, but Aragorn is an ugly old man and if you disagree with me you are either a liar or a smelly cabbage.