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Ways to fuck with a boy’s head – emotionally:




Flirt outrageously all summer long, before informing him of your chastity vow. Abstinence is so hot right now.
Say “OMFG, I love Iron Maiden too!” – then spend the bulk of your relationship converting him into a nice indie boy
Bitter bitch about his lack of spontaneous romanticism, and consider every act of generosity as a bribe.
Every two months, tell him you’re pregnant. Even if you are a gay couple.
Complain that his masturbation makes you feel alienated.

Ways to fuck with a boy’s head – literally:

Put your cock in his ear
Use his nose as a dildo
Use sci-fi technology to shrink you and a girlfriend down to the size offl eas, then make hot lesbian sex on his tongue. No, wait – that’s a way to fuck inside a boy’s head.
Criticise everything he does. Just so that he has to go down on you to feel like a worthwhile human being.
And after he goes down on you, say “oh, excuse me, I must go to the bathroom to remove my tampon.”

Wrong Ways to Celebrate Easter:

Nail up Santa
Put LSD in the Easter bun stripes
Use fertilized Easter eggs
Rabbit hunting (obviously)
Stick a Crème egg up your arse

Worst Autobiography Titles:

How I Never Did Anything or Went Anywhere
A Life of Eating Poo
Me and My Tiny Penis
My Credit Card Number is 3853866730
First-Name Terms at the STD Clinic

Infamous Last Words:

“Of course it’s not loaded!”
“Come on men, they couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist-“
“Why don’t we taste it and find out?”
“I think it’s asleep”
“I’m driving… but that hand job sure feels good…”

Achievements of Justin Timberlake:

Brought back sexy
Alyssa Milano
Superbowl XXXVIII
Dick in a Box
Dick in Britney

Contraceptive Techniques:

Up the bum no babies
Pull out and pray
Flying solo
Doing a commerce degree

Reasons to Leave Emos Alone:

They’ll put you on their “list”
They’ll write a poem about you
They want the attention
Evil voodoo emo magic
My Chemical Romance

Manga Sound Effects:

BLOK! – head hitting pavement
TWOON! – firing lasers
WIIZ! – adjusting binoculars
FDD… – the sound of thinking

Celebrity Disguises:

Tape two beach balls to your chest to pass as Rebecca Loos
Put a paper bag over your head to pass as any of National’s backbench
Grow a little beard and glue a shoe polishing brush to your head to pass as Geoff Hayward
Hit yourself on the back of the head with a shovel to pass as George W. Bush
Eat a tube of curry paste and throw up over yourself to pass as Mt Ruapehu


Babanod cloronen blodyn (baby potato flower)
Who’s coat’s this jacket?
You knows I loves you ‘cos I fucks you and buys you chips!
Who’s coffee’s this tea?
Cadwch Cymru yn lan. Danfonwch y sbwriel i Loegr! (Keep Wales tidy. Leave your rubbish in England!)