Flirt outrageously all summer long, before informing him of your chastity vow. Abstinence is so hot right now.
Say “OMFG, I love Iron Maiden too!” – then spend the bulk of your relationship converting him into a nice indie boy
Bitter bitch about his lack of spontaneous romanticism, and consider every act of generosity as a bribe.
Every two months, tell him you’re pregnant. Even if you are a gay couple.
Complain that his masturbation makes you feel alienated.
Ways to fuck with a boy’s head – literally:
Put your cock in his ear
Use his nose as a dildo
Use sci-fi technology to shrink you and a girlfriend down to the size offl eas, then make hot lesbian sex on his tongue. No, wait – that’s a way to fuck inside a boy’s head.
Criticise everything he does. Just so that he has to go down on you to feel like a worthwhile human being.
And after he goes down on you, say “oh, excuse me, I must go to the bathroom to remove my tampon.”
Wrong Ways to Celebrate Easter:
Nail up Santa
Put LSD in the Easter bun stripes
Use fertilized Easter eggs
Rabbit hunting (obviously)
Stick a Crème egg up your arse
Worst Autobiography Titles:
How I Never Did Anything or Went Anywhere
A Life of Eating Poo
Me and My Tiny Penis
My Credit Card Number is 3853866730
First-Name Terms at the STD Clinic
Infamous Last Words:
“Of course it’s not loaded!”
“Come on men, they couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist-“
“Why don’t we taste it and find out?”
“I think it’s asleep”
“I’m driving… but that hand job sure feels good…”
Achievements of Justin Timberlake:
Brought back sexy
Alyssa Milano
Superbowl XXXVIII
Dick in a Box
Dick in Britney
Contraceptive Techniques:
Up the bum no babies
Pull out and pray
Flying solo
Necrophilia
Doing a commerce degree
Reasons to Leave Emos Alone:
They’ll put you on their “list”
They’ll write a poem about you
They want the attention
Evil voodoo emo magic
My Chemical Romance
Manga Sound Effects:
BLOK! – head hitting pavement
TWOON! – firing lasers
WIIZ! – adjusting binoculars
BROMF BLAKAM KRUMB BROOM KRONK VLAM ZBRAT! – construction noises
FDD… – the sound of thinking
Celebrity Disguises:
Tape two beach balls to your chest to pass as Rebecca Loos
Put a paper bag over your head to pass as any of National’s backbench
Grow a little beard and glue a shoe polishing brush to your head to pass as Geoff Hayward
Hit yourself on the back of the head with a shovel to pass as George W. Bush
Eat a tube of curry paste and throw up over yourself to pass as Mt Ruapehu
Welshisms:
Babanod cloronen blodyn (baby potato flower)
Who’s coat’s this jacket?
You knows I loves you ‘cos I fucks you and buys you chips!
Who’s coffee’s this tea?
Cadwch Cymru yn lan. Danfonwch y sbwriel i Loegr! (Keep Wales tidy. Leave your rubbish in England!)