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University Stock Market

Nicola Kean



The Markets reopened this week, after which newly-appointed VUWSA receptionist Carey Clements drops 56 points for towing Salient editor James Robinson’s car on production night, despite the fact that his parking permit was proudly and clearly placed on the dashboard of the car. Yeah, we know about your Action Man lunchbox buddy.
VUWSA office manager Julie McKiernan shoots up 64 points for providing chocolate, plasters and sympathy to various Salient staff last week.
Investors were rushing to buy shares in VUWSA Welfare Inc., after Vice-President Jules van Cruysen’s admirable handling of last week’s puppet penis affair. Market confidence in van Cruysen appears to be restored after his stocks stagnated in light of news reports about his builder’s crack, although there has been rampant speculation that insider trading could be the cause of his rise.
University Vice-Chancellor Pat Walsh et al take a dive this week, after proposing to make another application to the Tertiary Education Commission for a 10% fee rise in some faculties, a mere week after being denied a first one.