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Two Minute Noodles

Denny Lamb



Hunger. This occurs in the stomach and is probably caused by food goblins. To explain it in true B grade horror style, it’s what happens when your stomach begins to eat itself! What can you do about it? No, other than eat yourself?

Answer: Eat something else. Now, I know your mum used to feed you, but now it is time for you to learn to feed yourself. Your mums and dads will be hoping that now you’ve moved into your new flat, with your new friends, you’ll be able to look after yourself, as Bernice Mene can, and Dion Nash can’t. So I’m here to help.
There is more than one way to cook two minute noodles, much like skinning a cat. But noodles don’t put up as much of a fight. Don’t envy your friends when they say the use a ‘microwave’. A microwave is way above you at the moment, so like the Nazis- stick to the more primitive oven. It’s not as safe, and therefore more important to understand.
Get a pot, or a small steel bucket and fill with water. Water, or life-juice, comes from taps. Taps look like large X’s from above, and they have a spout which protrudes out towards you like a snuffaluffagus snout. Turn the X clockwise to ‘make’ water, note:- turning anti-clockwise does not make anti-water. Make sure enough water goes in your steel bucket to submerge a noodle cake. You’ll learn through trial and error- the science of being an idiot. Trying to explain how many litres it’d take, and in fact what a litre is at all, would take more time than I have patience and a lot of water. You need to put that little steel bucket on your stove top; onto an element. I know. WOAH, it’s a lot to take in, but there are only so many words in this column. The element is on the top of your oven. Your oven is the second biggest thing in your kitchen, or the third if you’re including yourself, the first is the really cold one, and the oven is the really hot one. On top of that there should be four elements. Remember Spirograph? Those are what should be on top of your oven. Pick anyone and put your pot on it. Now, here is a brain teaser for you. There are four spirals and ahead of you somewhere should be four knobs which correspond to one spiral each. There maybe a few additional knobs which- as far as you’re concerned- are decoration. I’m sorry buddy, this is gonna have to be another trial and error time for you, that, I’m sad to say, may end up in a few burns (or hurt-marks). It may pay to pre-call an ambulance just in case.
Once you have figured out which spiral your pot is on, turn that one on full. Now wait. Don’t go anywhere! Some people say “A watched pot never boils” but that is a myth! As long as it’s on a hot spiral, a watched pot ALWAYS boils. When there are lots of bubbles in the water, then it’s time to dunk your noodles.
Follow these steps:
1. Open the noodle pack, do this however you want.
2. Make sure you only put noodles in the water at this stage, no plastic and certainly no animals or small children.
3. Don’t touch the water! This is where the name comes in “Two minutes”. Time that. You know the drill. One Hippopotamus, two hippopotamus and so on, all the way up to 120 Hippopotami.
4. Now rip open the sachet like you’re bursting through that finishing ribbon and sprinkle it into your pot like a rain of glory.
5. Get a fork, or spikey-spoon, and swish it around in the pot, stirring the noodles into a Two minute tempest.
6. Quickly switch off the knob that you turned on before, and grab the pot, but careful, it’s hot. Pour your new mixture, ‘noodles ‘n broth’ into a bowl, or piece a pottery shaped like your cupped hands.
7. Use the same fork you had earlier to scoop noodles from your bowl to your mouth.
8. Chew (grind your teeth around the food) and swallow.
Bon Appétit!