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The key ingredients to finding your cash-cow

Lydia Mcaulay



Bush had his 52 pack of most wanted, the Ace of Spades being Saddam himself. Here at uni we too have a most wanted, you may not have realized…
I implore all Vic students be a little more like me and let their tongues do the walking. I challenge anyone to crack into more groups than I have.
The Music crew: Tell them you’re a composition student. Apparently these are the more antisocial of the music types, though beware they are also the smallest in number so if you bump into another one… snapped. The benefits of this endeavour? Cheap to free alcohol, crazy parties and gullible enough musos that they will listen to your entire “contemporary” composition and if you’re lucky applaud.
VUWSA: Indeed if you integrate your way into VUWSA you have stumbled upon the cash cow (bar tabs and pizza) – but beware, you have also sold your soul to a life of protesting; so I hope you like bad rhymes, chanting and the friendly company of Nick Kelly.
Salient: Home to ominous computers, people whose names consist of only two letters (Keith Ng) and strange quiet types who write surprisingly explicit columns. Yet, as above, another cash cow and a haven of good parties and hilarity. (Yay! Salient gets mad props again… in Salient – Ed.)
Philosophy: The philosophers are extremely accommodating types, probably due to the fact that they are all alcoholics, though you will actually be sucked into a philosophical discussion (not entirely unpleasant) For a conversation starter, try: “So, monkeys and philosophy.”
Science/computer nerds: Open yourself up to the octagonal shaped seating arrangements of the science department, a world of Dungeons and Dragons, Everquest and other life-consuming games awaits you. Say goodbye to spare time and hello to a life of celibacy.
Politics: They will want to talk about George Bush or the 1980s in New Zealand and will without fail have extreme opinions on these topics. Though if you’re not a politics student you might find the word Rogernomics amusing.
The Christian group: That which is lacking in alcohol is made up for in smiles and extreme friendliness.
Obsessive law geeks: They get free alcohol every now and then, plus legal advice never goes amiss with me. And it’s good to keep in mind that the law-geek friends you are making now will be your rich-geek friends of the future. Make friends with them, establish boundaries, find their weaknesses and proceed to break down their self-esteem. Soon your rich friends will hate themselves and will buy you oodles of drinks constantly just to assure themselves that they still have friends.
Role playing/gaming nerds: The more inconspicuous of the groups, often found lurking around in my flatmate’s room on certain weeknights. My suggestion is: get your medieval armour out of the closet, name yourself Dracore, bring your sword of smite and an enthusiastic voice that secretly spells out your sexual frustration, ‘cause good times and evil are a foot.
Rugby heads: The obvious plus being lots of drinking and large men with large thighs in short shorts – the downside being too much drinking, and large men with large thighs in short shorts.
Commerce: Don’t even bother. On the off-chance that they actually have parties they probably suck.
Design crew: The verdict is that there is not much to be gained and they don’t take kindly to mockery and people having fun in general, plus there is the added difficulty of having swipe card access probably designed (excuse the bad pun) to keep us out.
Theatre crew: Distinctly wacky, thus making it difficult to integrate yourself – no matter how hard you try you will always stick out. No doubt these dramatic types would be great to party with but inside information is needed in order to get invited.
The thing to remember is that there is free alcohol and possibly food for the one who is able to integrate themselves into certain groups at certain opportune moments.