A party held at a student flat celebrating Re-Orientation Week was closed down last Saturday night following complaints from neighbours that it was “just downright depressing” and that the partygoers “looked bored as anything”.
The 14 person-strong gathering began attracting attention from nearby residents when, due to a technical malfunction, the music cut out and there was no other noise.
“It was the pits,” recalls next-door neighbour, 36-year-old Paige Harris.
“I knew there were people in there—I can see in the lounge from my kitchen—and they were all just awkwardly sitting around. No loud drunk conversations, no screaming girls, nothing. It really started to get me down.”
The official police statement was released early Sunday morning, as the over-prepared squad were able to get an early night, having closed the “sad little get-together” down before 11pm.
“It was a difficult night for the force, but not because of your usual aggressive, drunk students—there was barely any resistance, and in fact that was the hardest part. The youths concerned seemed all too aware of how dreadful the occasion really was.
“We were all a bit excited to throw a few punks in the paddy wagon—it’s definitely one of the perks of the job. Tim here got to smack a girl in the face during O-Week and she was so slizzered, she didn’t even know! So yeah, watching this motley crew of half-drunk sacks of crap amble off the property was a real downer,” Police Commissioner Margaret Davis told the press.
Recent surveys undertaken by Youth and Youth Culture or The Lack Thereof NZ have revealed that the current student body of New Zealand aged 17-24 “aren’t nearly as loose as [they] were when [they] were students”.
An acquiescent study carried out by the Road Cone Crime Commission (RCCC) has yielded proof of a worrying drop in the numbers of road cone-related crimes such as road cone sword fights, and the use of road cones as missiles launched at moving vehicles. The RCCC warns that if the relevant social group don’t “start wrecking more shit on the piss, future generations are going to think you’re giant babies.”