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The Shocking Disintegration of the Hoff

Ryan Vaughan



The black Transam with an attitude was his chariot; the world was his playground. With one hand on the turbo, and the other on his comb, he was always ready for action. Criminals stood no chance when he was on the case. He always got the girl, but the girl never got him.
Running down the beach his perfectly moulded muscles gleamed and made the suns rays dance across the screen. With buxom ladies in tow, he ran, he swam and he transferred air mouth to mouth with unsettling ease. Beach goers knew they were safe from harm when the Hoff was scanning the horizon.
Michael Knight and Mitch Buchannon are two of the most revered television characters of all time. Ok, so maybe that’s a bit of an overstatement. But these characters will forever be the legacy of David Hasslehoff. The Hoff, as he is now affectionately referred to after a failed hiphop career, is perhaps one of the world’s most recognised television personalities in the world. He was the man every other man wanted to be. Hell, he got to hang around Pamela Anderson and Carmen Elektra all day. But modern day David, after being chewed up and spat out by the unquenchable hunger of the pop culture monster, is now associated with hilarity and parody more than he is with breasts and super cars.
I think I can pinpoint where he started to go wrong. Bearing a striking resemblance to a disastrous career move by ex-Star Trek captain, William Shatner, the Hoff attempted to launch a singing career. Like Shatner (Ed- ahem. Denny Crane!), ever since then the Hoff has been seen as more of a joke than anything else. It is hard to take a singer seriously, when what they are best known for is being in the same shot as lumps of silicone. The Germans liked him strangely enough – with one of his songs Looking for Freedom’ becoming an anthem of sorts. It ended up staying at number one for eight weeks, and his album went Triple Platinum. Although his singing career ended any chance of the Hoff ever being taken seriously, it allowed him to make a career out of self deprecation.
The Hoff’s recent attempt at self-parody lead him to release a music video entitled Jump in my Car’. Hoff reprised his role as Michael Knight, and was once again teamed up with his super-car, K.I.T.T. This video was made to pay homage of sorts to the Hoff’s cult following on the internet, where there have been countless mockvideos of the Hoff circulating cyberspace for years now. There was even a site called Get Hasselhoff to Number 1’, which was dedicated to getting his ‘Jump in my Car’ song to number one in the British music charts. Even though this song showed us that the Hoff has a sense of humour, it also had the un-intended effect of showing just how much the Hoff has been ravished by the cold hearted bitch of time. At times he looks geriatric during the video. His manly physique has been replaced by the sagging body of an old man. His wrinkles tell a sad, sad tale. The Hoff is an alcoholic. That’s right. The strong, and ever-heroic Hoff is now a slave to alcohol. This, along with the singing of course, ended any chance David ever had of regaining his dignity. This made me feel old also. It seems like only yesterday I was watching a young Hoff running down California’s golden beaches, saving struggling swimmers from the unforgiving surf. But alas, those days are gone.
I will leave you with an extremely poignant quote from the Hoff, that will hopefully inspire you to find good in the television world. “Baywatch had a lot to with promoting world peace.”