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The Quest for Lindsay

Hannah Cooke



We all know that MySpace is weird. The whole concept is totally wacko, and that’s why the writers of this column enjoy it so much. But this week, our enjoyment was taken to a whole new level – the search for Lindsay Lohan’s REAL MySpace page. Don’t ask us why we did this – there’s no real reason apart from boredom and a thirst for challenge. To totally destroy the suspense for all you Li-Lo fans out there, we did not find it. In fact, it may not exist (as you guys should know by now, Lindsay Lohan is probably way, way too cool to have a MySpace). But whatever, we searched for it anyway. And what did we find? Total weirdos.
Which is not really that surprising. The Internet is the holy grail for the computer literate people with no mates – they make a fake profile on MySpace, pretending to be Lindsay Lohan, (kinda like what we did with Gwen all those months ago ha) then make friends with fake Paris Hilton, fake Amanda Bynes ( why they chose her, we have no idea – if you’ve never heard of her, she’s an she’s an actress in such great movies as She’s the Man, and What a Girl Wants ), fake Nicole Ritchie etc, then post blogs to their millions of fans and other sad no-mates people on MySpace.
This is all pretty funny. Role playing games and groups like Dungeons and Dragons, wizard wannabes, medieval fair enthusiasts and even people with weird sexual fetishes all have their place and we do not mean to wail on them or anything – but Jesus! Pretending to be someone as a) imitable and b) super cool as Lindsay Lohan seems like a really depressing prospect. You would constantly be reminded of what a pretender you were every time you picked up a NW.
And its not like she has awesome super powers or can joust and start duels by slapping people with a glove (we are trying to refer to Dungeons and Dragons and medieval fairs here – however, we have not really done either so can’t really get a grip on what they actually do. We can guarantee that it’s nowhere near as badass as what Li-Lo does on a Friday night though – even those ‘cool’ ones like those Buffy the Vampire Slayer or whatever games would probably pale in comparison – sorry). She’s just some celebrity that has a habit of snorting heaps of coke and pashing Paris Hilton’s boyfriends. Is that really something that would make you feel better about yourself?
Less funny and more creepy are the people that become these fake Lindsays’ friends – 45 year old fat men from Texas and the like, professing their love and attraction to fake Lindsay…that’s hot. Like any real celebrity hottie, or even any self-respecting fake, is ever going to write back, ‘dear Sexydaddy_48, thank you so, SO much for your fantastic compliment on my page. It really made my day. On seeing your user-pic I decided to check out your page, and I must say I was so turned on by the pictures of your hot beer gut and receding hair line that there was nothing I could do but reply to you now and confess that I too feel the same way about you. I really think that you and I should have sex. It would be amazing. Here’s my number, 027 xxx xxx, let’s get together soon hotstuff, yours sexually, LINDS xoxoxo’ Seriously…
We just can’t get into the minds of these people that set up fake MySpaces or the creepy old men who put them as number one in their top eights. Is your life so boring that you have nothing better to do with your time, like making a real MySpace, hitting on real life girls, or I don’t know, maybe not sitting at your computer and being weird? Maybe we should try being a fake celebrity and see what exactly the vicarious thrill is like for us, or try and seduce one via creepy comments. But we really can’t be bothered. And besides there’s waaaay too may of them out there already.