NEWTOWN…It’s kind of shit
Newtown is inhabited mostly by students, immigrants and criminals. This serves as a winning combination of real diversity – not the hipster bullshit you often see in the city centre. Newtown is known as the ‘arm pit of Wellington’ by many Harbour City residents due to its derelict buildings, pungent stench and increasing violent crime. Despite this, Newtown has a weird sort of charm… Kind of like an old mangy dog you want hug, but are afraid to for fear you will catch some strange mystery disease.
Attractions:
Newtown is home to Wellington’s rudest dairy owner. This man is so rude it is worth getting your arse on a bus and traveling all the way to Hall Street just to check him out. He will yell at you if you ask him anything. Questions such as “Hey did I leave my Eftpos card here?” and “How much is this?” infuriate him. The Hall Street dairy is also renowned for regarding the used by date on stock as mere guidelines. I have once been sold Milo that had been hanging around on the shelves for two years.
The hospital – No really. Wellington Hospital is situated on Riddiford Street and is one of the scariest places in Wellington. The tall looming grey building resembles a maximum security prison and has been recognized in national media for its incompetence – most recently in the maternity ward. A lone pro-life protester whose sanity is somewhat questionable can be found most days outside the entrance to the abortion clinic. He has all the appropriate posters but his creditability is somewhat tainted by the definite whiff of mania he has about him. If you love taunting people with principles I thoroughly recommend telling him to “Go protest at a cemetery and stop annoying the living” … the guy goes insane. Or look guilty and have an epic stare off with him. Trust me: he always looks away.
The Basin Reserve – Nothing beats running drunk across this field with equally drunk friends. To quote one of my wisest friends: “It’s actually quite liberating.”
The ZOO – Although it is full of misleading promises the Wellington ZOO is definitely worth the trip. You will see signs saying things like “Elephant House This Way!” The said elephant house is actually just a room with a fake elephant in the middle of it. One can only imagine my disappointment when I was made aware of this ludicrous display of false advertising. Despite its lack of any real elephants the Wellington ZOO is full of animals that will have you running around like a kid at a candy store. Otters, chimpanzees, lions, tigers and bears, oh my!
Poor Housing – Take a stroll around Newtown Park Flats area and you will experience Housing New Zealand schemes at their lowest. Also, you could get stabbed if you look at the residents of the flats funny.
Toothless slack-jawed individuals – Freaks flock together and strange looking toothless folk are all frequent in Newtown. My favorite off these Newtown residents would have to be ‘Andre the P addict.’ The guy is a walking anti-drugs poster with stringy long hair, a toothless grin and a continual ‘just got out of jail look.’ Andre has the libido of a 15 year old but sadly his efforts of getting the loving of a good woman are often thwarted by his general insanity. Andre will walk up to an unsuspecting girl and inform her on the problems of dealing and using P then proceed to tell her how “attractive she is.” Not a winning combination. He can often be seen lounging on a park bench muttering to himself or talking shit to the local bartenders of Newtown.
FBI – Not to be confused the “Federal Bureau of Investigation” of the even more notorious “Female Body Investigator.” The FBI in Newtown is none other than the new up and coming street gang “Full Blooded Islanders” yo.
KELBURN
Kelburn is an interesting mix of students and ‘young professionals.’ Young professionals is a term that covers many sins from lawyers to artists on the benefit (if you are a creative person you do not have to go on the unemployment benefit like everyone else who cannot get a job).
Attractions:
Take the tram up to Kelburn and witness one of the lamest attempts at a tourist attraction you will ever come across. Although the cable car is advertised to be this like so-out-ofbody historical experience, you will quickly notice that the cable car’s interior is painted wood colour to give the illusion of… uh…wood.
The Salient Editor’s House – So you know where to send your hate mail, panties, dragons and weapons of mass destruction.
Victoria University – It is debatable whether this is an attraction to Kelburn. While not as soulless as the Pipitea campus, Kelburn campus’s old rustic feel is beginning to become more shitty and old. Sometimes there are some pretty amazing things on at the Victoria Memorial Theatre but to attend them means walking on to the campus which is horrifying.
THE HUTT
It’s not a city – it’s a suburb. People from ‘The Hutt’ will try and tell you it’s a city in its own right. They will also try and convince you that ‘The Hutt’ is not all that bad. They are sadly misguided.
Attractions:
“Hutt Sluts” – You know the one I mean. They frequent the Grumpy Mole unless it is a special occasion, like a 16th birthday or a ‘fuck I think I’m pregnant’ drinks, and they make the trip to the ‘Big Smoke’ and get like totally maggot at Shooters. If you’re desperate take a short drive into The Hutt and some girl who smokes like a chimney and is as drunk as she is stupid will gladly give you a good rodgering.
Boy Racers – Every Thursday they assemble on the riverbank and show off their cars and their Hutt Sluts. Primo eh!? I wish I was from The Hutt.
KARORI
Blandness – Seriously it is so bland it is almost fascinating. It is the most damp, dank, boring suburb in Wellington. It is like the Elephant Graveyard in the Lion King – “You must never go there. Ever.”
Helen Lowry – One of the shitty excuses for accommodation that Victoria University puts first years in. The Hall management has been pushing the white Christian anti-sex agenda since ages ago. Seriously they take the condoms out of the O-week packs and they put Bibles in your rooms.
MOUNT VICTORIA
As a general rule the higher you get up Mount Victoria the higher the socio-economic status is of the suburb’s inhabitants. So if you’re short on cash and want to rob a secluded neighbourhood I would go for houses around the top of Mount Victoria.
Attractions:
Nooks and crannies – Mount Victoria would be the most fun to explore as it is not quite as mountainous as Brooklyn but just as easy to get lost if you have never been there before.
Self righteous joggers – Damn them and their finely tuned fitness abilities. Yeah we get it you can run all the way up to the lookout…You do not have to rub it in our faces. I especially hate when they are trying to pass you so they jog side to side like they’re trying to get in front of you. Then you try and be a good person by standing aside only to have them thank you with a disgusting air of self-righteousness.
The View – Clichéd I know but it is pretty spectacular on a fine day. I hear it is a good place to take a date so you can look out at night and get all lovey dovey and talk about the stars n shit. I hear it is the ‘Lovers Lane’ of Wellington so as a rule: “Don’t come a-knockin’ if the Chevy is a-rockin’.” Depending on who you associate with Mount Victoria is also connected to the acquisition and consumption of drugs.