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The Great University Review: Safety Nets of Failure




In the wake of my powerful and moving expose on the shittiness of SCS, somebody on the internet threatened to give me a black eye for not being fair and impartial with things such as facts. Here is a fact – SCS sucks and if you disagree you suck too. You may be raising an eyebrow at this point. Is this not the GREAT UNIVERSITY REVIEW, some manner of review of university services? Surely this is not the place for petty personal vendettas! Wrong again, dumbass. Writing for Salient is about two things – the first is settling scores (yes, I did sleep with your ex-girlfriend) and the second is getting chicks (and yes, I did sleep with your ex-girlfriend). Even were that not the case, I can still defend my conduct – the individual in question is presumably a student of this craptacular educational institution, which means that a fuckload of safety nets must have failed to drive the person in question to post internet threats.
The two key safety nets that must have failed here are the Counselling Service – getting into an online battle of zings with somebody who is actually from the internet is as crazy as you can get – and of course the Student Learning Support Service – which is a place where you go if you are stupid and can’t handle university life. I was under the impression that this place involved fucking workforce but no, apparently in this brave new world we need C-average commerce graduates a lot more than we need people who actually have useful skills such as basic mathematics, the ability to speak their native language correctly and so forth. As I understand it, the Learning Support people help you make your essays not-suck, which I always thought was the sort of thing that your bribed your smarter yet socially inept friends to do with offers of alcohol and introductions to women. I guess maybe if you have absolutely nothing to offer anyone then this sort of a thing is for you – but in that case, why the fuck are you paying four thousand dollars a year to study at university?
Even if there is some rational reason for the existence of a service designed purely to keep stupid people in university paying fees for as long as possible – oh wait – it has clearly failed to provide in many cases, as evidenced by the number of commerce students and people who read Salient. It strikes me that an eminently more efficient practice would be to get those dorky science students to try to make brain serums to improve brains, rather than doing dumb shit like arguing over whether or not Pluto is a goddamn planet. They could try out their brain serums on the poor unfortunates who the university has suckered into believing university life is for them, and if they didn’t cause a massive cerebral haemorrhage then I guess you could award them a Bachelor’s Degree and if by some miracle they actually did make somebody smarter then they could have Honours. Then the university would take their invention and make megabucks without giving the student in question anything. That’s just how the university rolls.
And the Counselling Service? As we all know, psychology is a barbaric practice on the same level as voodoo. Most of the study of psychology apparently consists of being test subjects for more senior students. This is of course a total waste of time. As Tom Cruise would tell us, brain problems are caused by too many thetans radiating out of Galactic Emperor Xenu’s behind and the only cure is to send all your money to Scientology so they can use their cashpowered lasers to kill all the ghosts and solve all your many problems – provided those problems involve such as an excess of money, reasoning ability, scepticism or some such. And Tom Cruise spawned some sort of alien monstrosity on Katie Holmes and she was in Batman and I will be damned if I will sit here and listen to you sass-talk Batman! He’s the goddamn Batman!
But seriously, the Counselling Service mostly does pretty good work. Without them all the dead students lying about from too much depression would probably make life pretty difficult. The Counselling Service does fine work catching people with mental issues while they are still at university and letting them know that it is not too embarrassing to cry while listening to the Cure even though you must know by now that they are not a good band. In the workplace, that shit would not fly and you would get laughed out of the office and lose your job and have to become a prostitute because that is what happens in this harsh new twenty-first century world! I read it in a book by Noam Chomsky so it must be true.
What? You want me to give ratings out of five as well? Well aren’t you fucking sassy today. Okay, fine. I don’t want to go to prison for false advertising and get killed in a death van. Student Learning Support gets four migraines because I just can’t get why they even exist, but the Counselling Service only gets only one migraine because anything that cures depression and keeps Placebo and Joy Division off the airwaves can only be a good thing.