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The Great Univeristy Review: SCS




I swore to myself I wasn’t going to do this again. I felt kind of bad about it last time, the sort of bad that you feel when you kick a puppy that didn’t deserve it or shout at a baby. However, recent events have reinforced my firm belief that I am a bad person, or in the common parlance of the times, a winner. So consequently, even though making fun of SCS computer people for incompetence is like prankcalling Hitler’s ghost from Tel Aviv to ask him how that Final Solution is working out for him, let’s give them an early place in the GREAT UNIVERSITY REVIEW. I will even be superduper fair and give them a special ranking which I will put right at the start of this review so you all know it’s not, you know, making me biased or something.
I give SCS student computer services approximately one hundred billion zillion migraines out five. There is no group of individuals in the university – not even the commerce students we all love to mock so, not even the women I have slept with and then subsequently not called, not even those weird fascist security guards – who have plumbed the depths of incompetence and failure that the SCS crowd manage to descend to every day. Everything from the way the amount of money on my SCS account seems to just be “some number they made up” rather than having any actual relation to money that I have paid them all the way to the fact that on any given day approximately half of the computers so liberally scattered around the university will not be fucking working just so I can go and proclaim their incompetence to the skies, like how Blanket Man’s horrible smell and appearance proclaim his disdain for societal norms. (Edgy!)
However, perhaps the most common interaction most of us will have with SCS (unless you are doctors or chemists investigating whether drinking meths causes brain damage, in which case I have no doubt you see the SCS party crew most weekends) is with that shitty, worthless trainwreck of a website that is called Blackboard. As if it compares with a real blackboard! A real blackboard works all the time and doesn’t claim that I am enrolled for classes that I have not enrolled and that in fact do not exist. My personal favourite piece of shittiness about Blackboard – and bear in mind here that I mean “favourite” in the sense that your oh-so-promiscuous mother has a “favourite” sexually transmitted disease – is how the security certificate when you log in doesn’t even match up with the address that Blackboard putatively has. I’m not some kind of nerd or something – I just know this because my browser tells me so; the sort of thing that SCS might have noticed were they not incompetent and useless at everything that they do.
Oh, I know it’s very unfair and mean of me to put zings on the SCS people, who are just trying to do their job very, very badly and maybe they have Downs or something, who knows? And after all, it’s not like I could do better, I mean, I’m only of average intelligence and reasonably sure that a computer is for working on and not for using to look up Asian goat porn like the SCS people probably do, right? Well, if you think things like that, you are very wrong. I didn’t need a pilot’s licence to guess that September 11 was an illustration of exceptionally poor piloting skills, and I don’t need a useless fucking Bachelor of COMPUTAR (which is probably printed with a McDonald’s application form on the back) to guess that SCS do a shit job of running their computer machines. Did I just compare September 11 to Blackboard going down? Well, I know which one inconvenienced me more.
And I haven’t even got started on wireless at Vic, which seems to have been a giant dumb waste of money, which was perhaps unsurprising given that Victoria University was involved. Wait, what the fuck am I saying? Why is it only perhaps unsurprising that Victoria wasted a whole bunch of cash money on a thing that was kind of useless and ‘oh my what a shock’ they will be raising fees as usual? That sort of thing is more like a solid gold fact, the sort of thing that a man could kick to refute the suggestion that everything was subjective. Did I just bring Samuel Johnson into this shizzle? Damn right I did, and even though I recycled that whole ‘rhetorical question’ deal from last paragraph that shit was still the cleverest thing you’ll read all week – cleverer even than that zinger about your mother.
So, to sum up, I was one hundred percent god damn right in my initial evaluation of SCS. They are pretty much the worst thing ever. Ever. If you ever think about taking up a position with SCS, ask yourself: do you also think that ‘competence’ is a god-damn sometimes food? Or are you just a useless retard? Because either way, you’ll fit in fine at SCS.