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The Bicycle

Mark Scott

FilmOpinionTheatreVisual Arts


So, you’re an idiot. Congratulations. By reading this column you’re already putting yourself ahead of the game. Over the coming weeks we will seek to assist you in understanding the simpler things in life. Remember that life is a tale told by an idiot, so just because you’re an imbecile, this doesn’t mean you can’t lead a rewarding life – look at Forrest Gump and Matthew Ridge. First up in our guide to a simpler understanding: the bicycle.

The bicycle, or bike to the layperson, was invented many years ago, probably by wizards, but who can be sure. A bike is used as a form of transport, meaning a way to get from one place, i.e. your home, to another place, i.e. WINZ. Follow? It’s like walking, only faster. You are hopefully starting to form a picture in your mind based on previous experiences with travel. Most will be thinking of cars. Stop. A car is a lot bigger than a bike, goes faster and does more damage to a person when you hit them. A bike on the other hand is… Let me try and describe it.
Two Wheels – these are round almost by definition, and are hopefully situated at the front and back of your bike. The wheels are covered in a rubber material, known as the Tyres. Each wheel has one tyre. Don’t touch these, ok. Leave the tyres to someone who knows what they are doing. They are filled with air (that’s life gas to you) and can easily be punctured. Like when a balloon goes flat. Training wheels may be attached to your back tyre but should come off within 5-6 years. Built between the tyres is the Frame. It’s like your bones. Now, the tricky parts. The Pedals. There are two of these, one on each side of your bike. These are connected to a Chain and several Cogs. Now, it is most important that you keep your hands away from the chain! If the chain falls off, then your bike will not work again until a non-idiot is able to replace it for you. Just stick with the pedals. Put your right foot on the starboard side pedal, and your left on the port (Get a sailor to help you with that one). In front of you, at around waist height, you’ll see The Handles! The handles are parallel with the pedals, and like the pedals, one is for your left hand, the other your right (left with left, right with right, or disaster could follow). The final point of contact between you and the bike is the Seat. The seat is like a miniature couch. It supports you. So, place your ass on the seat, your hands on the handles, and your feet on the pedals. Now, movement! Using your knees, push down on the highest pedal. This will lower that pedal and make the other one rise, like a magical seesaw. Get someone to hold you as you get used to this, preferably someone you know. The continual movement of up, down, and around on the pedals will propel you forward to future glory. Steady yourself with the handles and keep them straight. Bringing the left handle closer to your body will make your bike turn left. The same is true for your right. You’d better stick to going straight for now.
Now you may be wondering why you, the Idiot, needs to learn about the bicycle. The answer is simple. The more you bike, the more Al Gore loves you. As everyone knows, the world is suffering an increasing problem with global warming, which in simple terms is like what happens to you when you forget to change out of your pajamas before putting on your day clothes, except on a much bigger scale. Also, the increase in technology has seen idiots become too lazy. Entertainment is now dominated by television. Sports are being replaced by gaming consoles. And exercise is becoming a thing of the past. A simple step like riding to McDonalds for a DeliChoice roll is a great way for you to keep in shape and help combat global warming. Alright, Idiot?