The Tertiary Education Commission has appointed an independent arbiter to determine whether Victoria University’s research grants are being spent appropriately.
Former High Court Judge Miles Wimbleton will head an investigation into accusations Victoria has no idea what it’s doing.
Concerns have been raised in recent times that the Wellington university has frittered away millions of dollars in government funding on pointless studies.
In 2009, Victoria commissioned studies on a variety of topics, from whether people had forgotten about Dre, whether pro wrestlers could smell what The Rock was cooking, to whether Jack Johnson was singing about good times.
The commission is also concerned with the opening of the School of Intense Dickery and Infinite Smugness next year, and the downgrading of Media Studies to a ‘Polytech-esque’ major.
TEC Director of Education Funding Marc Winters said concerns began to arise early on.
“We became concerned in March 2008 that things were starting to go a bit awry at Vic,” Winters said.
“Take a look at this request for financial assistance, signed by Paddy Wolsh. Yes, your eyes doth not deceive—that is a luridly rendered picture of the male reproductive organ drawn in the space that says ‘Name’.”
Victoria’s Vice-Chancellor Paddy Wolsh, against the advice of a number of legal professionals, told Salient the investigation would find a treasure trove of embarrassing things.
Judge Wimbleton refused to define the scope of his inquiry, but admitted it had a long-term perspective in mind.
“It would be inappropriate for me to say anything at this time, but I have a feeling I’m gonna be here all fucking night for the next 50 years sorting this place out,” the former judge said
“I’ve seen opening arguments from Otago Law graduates more fluent than this. I swear to god, Otago.”
VUWSARR President Tasman Dismantle was unavailable for comment, but Vice-President of Communications Shameless O’Brady was glib in his assessment.
“Basically, in an abridged kind of way, what this amounts to is a complete and utter disregard for the tenets and socio-economical dispatches of the realist comprehension surrounding tertiary education, which is, indeed, a paradigm of the Orwellian idea of syncopated discombobulating discourse, which is, naturally, at the forefront of the English Language in terms of where things lie in the greater scheme, life and death, as it were, of Victoria’s position at the forefront of all kinds of ups and downs, downs and ups, ebbs—and perhaps even flows—of the modern idea of postmodern ideas,” he said.
“I’m sorry I can’t say more.”