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Suckstar Supernova

Hannah Cooke



This week, we decided to be really topical. Just to, you know, be kind of different. So what could we do to be topical? Oh, I don’t know – how about old Rockstar Supernova?

Not only have they just played, but did anyone see Dai Henwood’s show – ‘Insert Video Here’ – on C4 with Tommy Lee this week? It was advertised only about a million times in the days leading up to the show. We seem to recall Tommy Lee saying something along the lines of, “I never want to see another reality TV program again.” And why is that, Tommy? Don’t like Dave Navarro? The constant attention? Or your new bandmates? Oh, Tommy, are you worried we’re going to think you sold out? Because, as we all know, Tommy Lee is the only ‘rockstar’ in the band anyone seems to care about – he was in Motley Crue, did Pamela Anderson and Heather Locklear, and, well…he’s lewd, “crued” and tattooed. However, Rockstar INXS was way more entertaining than Supernova.
Partly because it was a then semi-novel concept, but mostly because of the JD Fortune guy who won. He actually has ‘being’ tattooed on one arm and ‘human’ on the other. You know, as in, “It’s okay, guys, he was just ‘being’ ‘human’.” Or, “we’re all just ‘human’ ‘being’(s).” What a freak. But we can’t even really remember who won Supernova. For some reason, we seem to recall some pint-sized emo from the Rasmus. But, no – apparently he is small and shrieky, his name is Lukas, and – inexplicably – he makes the babes go wild. Which is good for Tommy, I guess. Oh, and he used to live on the streets and eat food out of dumpsters. Which is pretty hot.
Also, from the few episodes we watched, we remember one of the judges acting extremely gutted, all the time. Like, “Oh. That was okay, bro. I guess”. He had probably just realised that once the cheque had been banked, he actually had to deal with being on ‘American Idol: Rock Edition’, every week for half a year, having to choose some semi-talented fame hungry teenager to front the band – and then tour with them. All purely based on their shitty cover of some ‘authentic’ rock song – and, later on, even worse renditions of their own songs – about being rock ‘n’ roll and anti-establishment.
Well, guess what? The company who make this absoludicrous show – Mark Burnett Productions – are credited as “a leading production company in the world of prime-time nonfiction television”. MBP revolutionized television with hits such as ‘Eco-Challenge’, ‘Survivor’, ‘The Apprentice’, ‘The Contender’ and ‘Rock Star’.
MBP also successfully reintroduced product placement as an integral part of each of its shows, and has garnered a total of thirty-three Emmy nominations since 2001. Mark Burnett was listed as the #1 Most Valuable Player by TV Guide and in Time Magazine’s Top 100 Most Influential People in the World Today.
So, sorry guys. Rockstar – both Supernova and INXS editions – are pretty much just as pre-packaged and manufactured as the Spice Girls.
You’ve got to admit – that’s pretty rock ‘n’ fucking roll.