1. She takes big bites when eating bananas
2. She wears comfortable shoes
3. You caught her snacking on carpet
4. She spends more time than is natural fondling your man-boobs
5. The “I am a lesbian” bumper sticker
Things to ask a librarian
1. If I borrow one of your books and then, you know, accidentally shit in it . . . what’s the fine for that sort of thing?
2. What colour is Michael Jackson’s dick?
3. Where’s the smoking section?
4. Do you have any “How to pick up librarians” books?
5. How many cats are waiting for you at home?
Rejected PhD Theses
1. “Bitches: Why do they get paid less? Are they dumber or just lazier?”
2. “In defence of paedophiles”
3. “Olivia Tremor Control are a more sonically interesting band than Neutral Milk Hotel”
4. “The Bible”
5. “This one girl I slept with”
Things we hate about dogs
1. Their lack of opposable thumbs
2. Their tail-wagging is suspicious
3. Their stringy, dry flavour
4. Their inability to sit around a table, smoke cigars and play poker
5. Their demands that we strangle the neighbours are always getting us in trouble
Ways to rage against the dying of the light
1. Buy a new bulb
2. Harden up
3. With a massive bender
4. Travel westward very fast, angrily
5. Live at the North Pole March thru September, South Pole the rest of the year
Possible PR campaigns for OJ Simpson’s career revival
1. Hey, like you never killed your unfaithful wife and her boyfriend
2. The Star of Naked Gun 33 1/3 Returns!
3. The OJ Sex Tape: He Can Make Love Too!
4. A Black Man You Can Trust!
5. Who’ll Get it Next?
Things not to do in a job interview
1. Ask if their children are “legal” yet
2. Ask if you can have the first two years off
3. Admit you worked for VUWSA
4. Insist that all other workers must salute as you pass
5. Bring a friend
Reasons not to vote
1. Too hard to choose
2. They’re all douches
3. Dictatorship’s easier
5. You can’t vote naked
Things you hate hearing from a hooker
1. Are you in yet?
2. Don’t worry about lube, just pick at my sore
3. Jesus, I’m going to need some porn to help me out here
4. Can I borrow your shoes for PE tomorrow?
5. I like posing nude for painters
Reasons to come out of the closet
1. Running out of oxygen
2. Your closet doesn’t actually lead to Narnia
3. You need to expel the liquid contents of your full penis into something hygienic like a toilet
4. Gary gave you twenty minutes to make a sandwich
5. Because the other kids gave up playing hide and seek 10 years ago