There’s been a lot of talk in tertiary education circles about university rankings lately. According to some international surveys, New Zealand universities are sucking more than what they used to. Don’t ask me for specifics—that’s what the news section of Salient is for. The news section is at the front of the magazine. It starts on page seven. You should really check it out some time. You might learn something. But what do we here at Salient think? Do you really get amongst the best at Vic? Is Otago all it’s cracked up to be? And what the fuck is the deal with Lincoln? Without further ado, in no particular order…
AUT University 5/10
Wait, let me get this straight—Auckland University of Technology University? I don’t get it. What are you trying to prove, that you’re a real university? Stop being insecure, AUT and just own it.
Waikato University 1/10
It’s in Hamilton. Enough said.
Massey University 4/10
A very well educated relative of mine, who now lives overseas, was always awfully pleased I never decided to go to Massey. I, too, am glad I never went to Massey. I never wanted to be a vet, or an agricultural scientist, or a horticultural scientist. I’m sure it’s perfectly acceptable for that.
Unitech 1/10
Uni what/where/how/why? Is it even a university?
University of Otago 0/10
I immensely dislike the new Otago advertising campaign. “Take your place in the world” is even worse than “get amongst the best”. I much preferred the whole “get over it” thing. With the university killing basically all that was awesome about Otago (Gardies, for example), you may as well save yourself a few years of freezing your butt off in a dingy flat and study somewhere else.
Lincoln University 2/10
If you like soil, cows and wearing gumboots, sure.
University of Auckland 6/10
The only people I know who go to Auckland Uni are Aucklanders. I’m not entirely sure why this is. Why don’t non-Aucklanders go to Auckland Uni? It’s the best university in the country, so they say. Oh, I get it—it’s because it’s in Auckland, right? Gotcha. But seriously, Auckland ain’t that bad.
University of Canterbury 7/10
Pity rating of 7 because they got mean fucked up in the earthquake. Did you see the pictures of the library and all the books and computers and stuff everywhere? Now imagine an earthquake in Wellington. And what Vic would look like. Hmmmm. It makes you think.
Victoria University of Wellington 8/10
Well, we’re all paying to study here. There must be some reason why. Right?