With this being a vaguely fashion themed issue of Salient, it seems only appropriate to relive the fashion horrors of our collective past. I used to want clogs, because they were cool when I was 8. That fashion phase, like all other fashion phases, passed and I came out the other side a better person, sans clogs. The reemergence of clogs as a desirable fashion accessory has shocked me a little. Clogs are not cool. Not now. Not ever. But were all those 90s fashion trends really so bad?
Snap pants 8/10
They make you look like Sporty Spice (win) and you don’t need to take off your shoes to get them off (convenient—if you’re playing sport). They’re versatile: wear them down, roll them up, half unbutton them, leave them done up. I used to cringe when I saw girls walking around with them undone, like, right to the top, so the pants flapped around in the breeze. Wear them like this and you lose cool points.
Spice Girl shoes 5/10
I imagine countless numbers of girls rolled their ankles while wearing their sweet, sweet Spice Girls-esque platform sneakers. It was for this very reason that I was never allowed platform sneakers of my own, and resorted to borrowing my friend’s spare pair. Though the shoes increased your cool points at school, their wearing has probably led to ongoing foot problems for a generation of Spice Girls fans.
Flares 2/10
So annoying to bike in, they drag along the ground, they’re really heavy (due to excess fabric), they get wet… Can skinny jeans, like, never go out of fashion?
Patterned bike shorts 0/10
Apparently bike shorts are back in fashion. Ew. Seriously? If you look good in bike shorts, you must be a stick. They expose your wobbly bits for all the world to see. They’re not particularly flattering. If you’re going to wear them, please make sure you wear something that covers your bum. I don’t want to see that.
Turtleneck skivvies 7/10
They keep your neck warm and they come in every colour imaginable. The perfect accessory to any outfit. And one Salient arts editor really likes how Ryan Phillippe wears them in Cruel Intentions.
Polar fleeces 10/10
They’re so warm. They’re so snug. They come in all shapes and sizes. I want one with dinosaurs on it. And a pocket on the front. Please?
“Slut wings” 0/10
I’d never heard the term “slut wings” until just the other day. Apparently it’s a South Island thing. “Slut wings” refer to the two skinny dangly bits of hair that used to frame girls’ faces while their hair was either tied up in a ponytail or in a messy bun. They look even worse when they are slathered with too much gel. Rats’ tails were the male equivalent.
Cargos 9/10
Back when cargos were cool, you didn’t need to take a bag anywhere—you could put everything in your pockets. So convenient. Your lunch, a CD, your Pokemon cards, your Hubba Bubba, you name it, you could fit it in the pockets of your cargo pants. So. Awesome.
Salient fashion tip!
Don’t throw anything out of your wardrobe… ever. It might come back in fashion again.