Dear same-sex-attracted humans, gender outlaws, and sexual-non-conformists,
Have you ever heard of UniQ? You should look it up. Preliminary research (i.e. Google) indicates that not only is it a ‘European chilled convenience food’ with a ‘passion for growth’, and a eunuch’s utility (whatever that means), but also the representative group for queer students at Victoria. Queer, of course, being that magical word invented by pixies and fairies that lumps together gay, lesbian, bisexual, asexual, pansexual, transsexual, transgender, intersex, takataapui, fa’afafine, and the much maligned other, whose powers combined summon Captain Planet. Aka all the cool kids.
Neato. But what do these queer kids do?
Oh, well… lots of stuff, really. You should totally try a Google image search on your flatmate’s computer.
But more specifically, UniQ organises events every fortnight on campus, for you, and all your fun friends to come along to! Fun stuff, like movie nights, tea parties, dance parties, and miscellaneous crap. Why, take our last shindig for example: it was totally rocking! It was so cool that Amanda Palmer even turned up just to hang out with us!
You do know who Amander Palmer is, right? Amanda Fucking Palmer, of the Dresden Dolls, only the awesomest punk cabaret musician ever to grace the earth (and the Student Union Meeting Rooms). If you don’t know her you must regret not turning up—not only did she talk to us about cool stuff you wouldn’t understand, and pash a drag queen, but she also busted out her ukulele and sang for us. Serenaded us, you might say. Penetrated my soul, you might say. You’d be right.
Such excitement is par for the course for UniQ. (See how I effortlessly blend queer events with golfing expressions—take that, patriarchy!) We do it all the time. In fact, we’re gonna do it again this week. On Wednesday at 5pm, in the Memorial Theatre Foyer, a gathering of UniQueers will form. There are rumours circulating that there’ll be tea! And maybe even scones! And free facial fake-tan (stock is limited, so make sure you’re there early!) It may well be a gay ol’ time.
But that’s not all! That self-same day (Wednesday), will also see your very own sweet seductive Queer Rep, Nathan Cooper, hosting the Queer Show on the VBC. The VBC (Victoria Broadcasting Club) is a radio station, right here at Vic! (It’s also a philosophy, a movement, and a way of life, but we won’t go into that right now). Every Wednesday from 10–11am, you can listen to Nathan (DJ N8-Dawggggg) and his fine selection of queer music just by tuning your radio to 88.3FM, or streaming on www.vbc.org.nz. If you ask him just right, he’ll even play your song requests, or improvise a poem for you, live on air!
Plus, there’s a high probability he doesn’t know how to use the equipment yet, and will forget to turn the mic off, and you’ll get to hear him dishing dirt to his co-host/self. Juicy! Since we’re all into welfare an’ shit, I think I should give some sage advice to all you new kids: that’s you, the first-year queers going mad with freedom and sexual opportunity.
1) You never know who’s going to turn out to be famous some day, so it’s probably a good idea to sleep with as many people as you can.
2) Make sure you have regular STI-checks, and practice safe sex, so that when they’re famous, they don’t make you famous as the guy/gal/other who gave them syphilis.
3) Stay safe: hunt in a pack.
4) Under no circumstances make a tape. It will ruin your fascist political career in Australia.
5) Don’t screw the crew. Unless you really want to. And can deal with the fallout.
6) Dance like a maniac, and treat subsequent injuries as war-wounds.
7) Have fun! Life’s too short to do uni work.
8) Make sure you end every sentence with an exclamation mark—lecturers love it!!!
Don’t forget! Queer Show 10–11 this Wednesday, and UniQ from 5pm in the Memorial Theatre Foyer! Nahh… you’re not gonna forget, ‘cos you’re one of the cool kids now.