It is production night in the Salient office. We’re here most weeks till at least 2, eating pizza, drinking, mocking the bee jesus out of everyone. Here is the normal night in the office.
1600: I get into the office to see the cheery faces of Conrad, Tristan, Tony, Tania, Seonah, Haimona and assorted others.
1606: Start stressing because I have not actually done any work on my column this week (hence why it is crap).
1609: Tania Sawicki-Mead leaves for Amnesty International meeting, Conrad and Jackson snigger about how she is a filthy hippy.
1620: Jackson dons his PRC cape and frolicks around the office in a vampant rage of pro chinaism.
1635: Complain that pizza isn’t here yet.
1637: Jackson decided to fill the void of food with alcohol and departs with Haimona to the bar to obtain beer.
1700: Jackson finishes editing Emma Dakens interview with Guyon Espiner
1735: Conrad leaves for Public law test. Tony and Tristan leave for sesh.
1823: Awesome Hells Pizza guy shows up and actually brings the delicious pizza and assorted other goodies into the office! Hooray! We think about tipping him, but decide that it might start a dangerous precident. Tristan offers to tip him with herbal remedies, Hells guy inexplicably declines.
1837: Alexander Neilson steals Salient pizza.
1915: Conrad reenters Salient office in blind rage, kicks a chair and sits down deep in a blue funk. Jackson tells him that he doesn’t want to hear Conrads problems.
1930: Conrad realises that Alexander Neilson ate all the pizza and thinks to himself “What a fat cunt au.” Takes anger out on the Reptilian shapeshifter commonly known as Kerry Tankard.
2030: Conrad proclaims: “Animals are property and have no rights.”
2031: Haimona replies: “Conrad you are my property and have no rights, shut the fuck up.”
2032: Conrad makes a disparaging comment about Haimona’s race. Haimona retorts with something vaguely homophobic. Both sides retreat to their respective corners.
2058: Matthew Proctor continues to convey reasoned and sensible advice to any who listen. No one does.
2103: Tony and Tristan leave for sesh.
2120: Someone actually writes something.
2137: Jackson draws picture that will be featured with one of his columns this week.
2248: Jackson and Tony head downstairs to take naked photos of Jackson. Take some great snaps which will feature in future issues, caught out by some peeps from the VBC.
2358: Kerry Tankard leaves office. Peasents rejoice.
0017: Tony and Tristan leave for sesh.
0130: Wasp attacks Tony. Conrad retailiates with pool cue, Jackson with random hunk of wood, Tristan with a piece of paper. Tristan vanquishes the beast, only to find another wasp. Jackson takes foul swoop with hunk of wood, hits wasp and it disappears. HUZAAAH
0144: Jackson resumes seat at News desk only to find wasp lurking in his hair. He jumps up screaming like a little girly. Tristan vanquishes another beast and breaks light fitting in the process! HUZAAAAH!
0156: Jackson starts writing this blog. Semi naked.
0202: Tony and Tristan leave for sesh.
0222: Fuck this shit, I am going home.