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People Who Want To Tell You Things You Aready Know

Lydia Mcaulay



Unfortunately at uni there are a huge amount of people who love the sound of their own voice and will quite happily harp on at length about just about anything regardless of whether you give a shit or not. It seems that uni, and me in particular, tends to attract these enthusiastic, unoriginal dull types. These people so painfully uninteresting that they surely do have some kind of medical condition; in fact they could’ve had a lobotomy for all I know. In which case I would assume that brain surgery (the removal of the frontal lobe in particular) is becoming as common an operation as cosmetic surgery is in LA: “I’d like you to take a little off the front, a nip and tuck, nothing too flash, just enough to make me babble incessantly and single handedly destroy the attention span of the average person.” I find uni is full of people who have taken first year philosophy and instead of actually masturbating, they prefer to wank on to me about it. On occasion I happen to overhear such people, and even from 1.5m away they are capable of shattering my faith in the human condition. I’m not completely heartless, I understand that these people need to express themselves even if it is an incredibly banal form of expression, so instead of encouraging them to kill themselves I would encourage them to buy a dictaphone, speak into it and play it back to themselves pretending that it is their one and only friend and thus gain the same feeling that I get being subjected to mindless uninteresting babble that has already occurred to anyone in control of an opposable thumb. (If you were careless enough to lose/be born without your thumb you deserve to be insulted [they don’t grow back you know])
First years, must you punish us by making us relive live things we learnt in 7th form, which for some of us was years ago? Do you not realize that everyone at uni with a few exceptions has passed 7th form/ has some level of general knowledge?
Obvious jokes fuck me off too. All exposure that bad comedians have enjoyed has shown that their chosen topics of wit mirror the clichéd observations of the everyday imbeciles that we encounter. Often this tends to be gender and sexuality stuff and when it stoops as low as some dork quoting Austin Powers with an implied irony it cannot get any worse.
People generalizing: left-wingers, right-wingers, why must you both to be so extreme and yet so general in your opinions? “Smash capitalism” for example – how do you plan to accomplish this extremely general, and surely exhausting task? Surely once we reach uni we are more capable of becoming more specific, indeed realistic, in our critiques? Speaking of which VUWSA in last week’s Salient seems to have cornered the market on mindless bullshit; one of the policies they released was “That the VUWSA exec be required to sing a song before every exec meeting” Why the fuck must we be subjected to this, surely you can find more appropriate things to do in your meetings and skite about later. We all know you waste our money surely you can be a bit discreet about it.
Debaters are the epitome of this talk for the sake of talk. C’mon losers, we all know that the Internet now exists for your type as the perfect forum for those that feel a need to put all opinions out there and argue for the sake of arguing. It’s available 24/7 now shoo kids!