1. 1
2. 69
3. Pi (In case you’re hungry)
4. 16, 18, and 21
5. ‘My Way’ by Frank Sinatra
Things to do at the back of Reading Cinema
1. Watch the movie
2. Eat popcorn
3. Snore loudly
4. Do that thing with your cheeks that makes you sound like you’re masturbating
5. Pick off people with a .22 air rifle
Things to line the bottom of a birdcage with
1. Salient (obviously)
2. The latest Black Seeds album
3. List of latest Wellington Mayoral candidates
4. Lindsay Perigo’s collected writings on the science of climate change
5. Your tertiary course notes
People who would be better with a smashed in head
1. Dick Cheney
2. Geoff Hayward
3. Lindsay Perigo (obviously)
4. H. Westfold
5. Anyone else who contributes to Salient
Things to get you in the mood for ‘good lovin’
1. Reading Lindsay Perigo’s memoirs
2. A candlelit dinner with Kerry
3. Listening to the Black Seeds
4. Lube up Salient and stick it up your ass.
5. Watch Campbell Live
Things to stick up your ass
1. Lindsay Perigo (head first)
2. A Human Penis
3. The “Bypass”
4. Prenderghastly’s manifesto for a better city
5. Anything but a gerbil
Things to do once you have a degree
1. Leave NZ for good
2. Go on the dole
3. Start another degree
4. Become a lecturer
5. Apply for next year’s Salient editorship, cause this guy sure ain’t comin’ back
Reasons why Lindsay Perigo is gay
1. He thinks a string of insults comprises a rational argument
2. He’s a G.W. Bush fan
3. He uses crap, meaningless phrases like ‘Saddamite’
4. He writes for Salient
5. He likes to have sex with men
Substitutes for ‘Laughing on the Inside’
1. Crying on the inside
2. Writing letters to Salient
3. Developing a tumour
4. Doing the moonwalk
5. Laughing on the outside
Necrophiliac lore:
1. Dead for a day, take them away; Dead for a fortnight, you’re in for a good night; Dead for a year, better stay clear; Any longer than that, you’re a true necrophiliac
2. If they’re not quite dead, smack them in the head
3. As long as you have a spade, you’re gonna get laid
4. If worms already feed, lube you will need
5. If things get dull, fuck them in the skull