A while ago, my best friend woke up in a bad mood. So, she said, she did everything that she wanted to do right there and then. She made a coffee, put some whiskey in it, and sat in bed smoking. Inspirational. Whiskey coffee and cigarettes at 8am. I love you.
We used to sit in bed and listen to ‘Sacrifice’ by Elton John at full volume. Nothing puts me in a better mood than ‘Sacrifice’ by Elton John at full volume. Then ‘Little Red Corvette’ and ‘Tusk’. Hot water bottles, electric blankets, tea, cold winter flat, mink blankets from the Warehouse, and Elton John. Beautiful.
On another winter’s night, I visited the same friend. She was sitting in bed, propped up by about six huge feather pillows. Her duvet cover was covered in tiny flowers, and she was wearing a sweater of a similar pattern. She had put on her liquid eyeliner, hot coral lipstick, and rouged her cheeks. Both of her hands were raised above the covers. In her right hand she held a glass of red wine, and in the other a half-smoked cigarette. What a vision.
You are so great. You do whatever the heck you want. You run baths and fill them with glitter. You collect ceramics but refuse to put anything in them. They sit around your room arranged in very particular ways, which you do not deign to explain. You wake up every morning and look at a picture of Vivienne Westwood next to a picture of Coronation Street charity shop volunteer Emily Bishop because you really like how similar they look nowadays. Too true. You are totally boss.
Then you make a whiskey coffee. And check on your geraniums.
Doing whatever the shit you want when you feel downy. Simple. Beautiful. Alcohol in your morning beverage? Better than you’d expect! Better than Hamilton! Arranging your belongings in aesthetically pleasing ways? So satisfying. Glitter in your bath? So bedazzling. Elton John and mink? Elton John and mink.
What’s this? A message? A lesson? A really, really, obvious lesson that everyone already knew? In Pashin’ On Campus? The pointless page with no points? Aha! The obvious lessons are quite often the best though. Right? Aha! Another lesson!? Another obvious, boring lesson?! YUP. SNAP.
We need to be reminded of these things. I’m doing you a service. Need to be reminded of something boring you don’t really care about? Trust me! Isn’t asking questions the best way to get out of writing anything of real substance?
The end?
I guess I’ll acknowledge the fact that there is no link between the title of this ‘column’ and its content. Why? Do I need to explain myself to you, the unknown, bored reader?
NB: When someone is getting sassy, it’s ALWAYS a good idea to make a “rrreeeeeowwww!” sound while clawing the air.