This week I bought my first dildo. It was a “present” for a “friend”, or so I told the sex store attendant, who didn’t seem to care anyway. Actually I just wanted one for the novelty of it.
That sounds like a flimsy excuse. I bet you’re just sniggering and saying haha the real reason he wants a dildo is to compensate his girlfriend for his tiny dick. Well joke’s on you, buddy. I don’t even have a girlfriend.
Guys shouldn’t be ashamed to buy dildos. I mean, come on, seriously, what use would a guy have for a dildo apart from the novelty? Sure, you could stick it up your arse, but what’s the point in that? I didn’t want to use the dildo for sexual purposes. I just thought it would look great in our living room.
You hear an awful lot about dildos but you very seldom see one. In that way they’re kind of like leprechauns but you put them in your vagina. I thought if I had one at home I could use it as a conversation piece, to break the ice at parties. I could place it on the flat mantle and when people come over I could say ‘See that dildo? That’s my dildo!’ and they would say ‘wow’ and get a conversation going.
Nevertheless it took a little time before I finally worked up the nerve to go out and buy one. This involved a lot of calls to sex shops and hanging up when someone picked up the phone. Finally I decided on a shady little shop called D-Vice that claims to sell “Quality sex gear for regular everyday people.” I guess that’s not really my niche but it kind of freaked me out less than the other sex stores, which all had mottos like “CUM in and sample our range of erogenous fluids” or whatever.
The guy I talked to on the phone seemed nice. When I came in he showed me all the dildos and vibrators they had. In the end I think I kind of disappointed him by choosing the cheapest one. It was an enormous black beast that reminded me of the chocolate marzipan cigar I once bought my dad for Christmas.
‘You sure you don’t want a larger one?’ the attendant asked across the counter.
I hesitated. ‘No, nine and a half inches is good enough for me.’
It was under $30, a bargain for the whole nine inches. I felt so stoked that I had bought my first dildo that I pulled it out in the middle of Willis street to inspect it more closely. She was a sleek plastic monstrosity that got me a few grossed-out stares from the career women marching along on their way to lunch.
But that wasn’t the end of my day shopping. Just up the street from D-Vice is a Christian bookstore named Manna. At the time I didn’t see any problem with going into a Christian shop with a dildo in my backpack so I decided to have a look round. For some reason I always expect Christian bookstores to be filled with rows and rows of Bibles. But no, they are always filled with heaps of new age crap that doesn’t even interest me at all. I was just about to leave when a really, really evil thought crossed my mind.
Despite the myriad things you often see for sale in such a shop, the one thing you never see is a dildo. Do Christians even use dildos? I assume they do, just like regular people. And why else would they build their shop so close to D-Vice? I was sure they wouldn’t mind if I added just one dildo to their surplus.
So I hid the dildo somewhere in the Christian bookstore. I’m not saying where, because that would spoil the joke, but I’ll just say it’s pretty conspicuous. In fact, considering it’s a nine-and-a-half inch black dildo in a Christian bookstore, it should be VERY conspicuous, but I went back to check on it the other day and it was still there. Maybe the attendants mistook it for an item of worship, like a big black cross or something, or maybe they just like it. Either way, I’m proud to say I have offered my most favoured possession up to God, and I’m sure He’ll put it to good use.
I was walking out the door feeling all smug about myself, when my conscience stopped me in the middle of the street. ‘Lemon, just what the fuck were you thinking?! KIDS shop in there! Little Christian kids whose mothers won’t even let them read Harry Potter!’ But the funny thing about a conscience is, it’s like a bully. Ignore it and it’ll go away.
I keep dreaming that I’m in hell. And plus, I really want my dildo back. If anyone happens to be shopping on Willis could they stop in at Manna and ask if it’s been found? I would really appreciate it. Then could you drop it off at the Salient Office or email me at .
Or, if you’re looking to get a big black dildo of your own, visit their shop at the corner of Willis and Dixon or phone 0800 SEX TOYS.