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Millie Holmes

Hannah Cooke



Millie Holmes – It was the cleavage that did it. Blame the TV show, they’re probably all on P.

Wow, so teenage model Millie Holmes is a drug fiend. You may have recently seen her (or more noticeably nearly seen her uh…’décolletage’) on Deal or No Deal, which she was dropped from for an alleged ‘employment dispute’, the pressure of being a game-show chick obviously just got too much and there was absolutely nothing she could turn to but smoking crack through a lightbulb.
Paul Holmes says she’s sick and has ‘a big hill to climb’, and maybe she is, but um, she got found with an $18,000 TV in her home? We don’t really see how you can pass that off as an illness…Incidentally, it’s quite funny how Paul Holmes actually looks good in the media right now, in fact he looks positively angelic helping out his poor down and out adopted daughter, everyone is conveniently forgetting his own fall from grace – for the moment anyway.
According to the Sunday Star Times, a P pipe was found on Millie’s person when she was strip searched by two female officers. The question we want to ask (or maybe don’t want to is the more appropriate!) is where exactly this P pipe was concealed. Surely the Sunday Star Times isn’t suggesting the pipe was like shoved up her cooch? She was also accused of possession of methamphetamine, (like OMG is THAT what that pipe was for?) cannabis and receiving stolen goods (Prada handbags maybe?).
At least she’s got taste, if you’re gonna be involved with stealing shit, you might as well steal from snobby Auckland stores like Smith and Caughey’s, Louis Vuitton, and Ermenegildo Zegna. A source close to the writers of this column has dealt with M-Ho when she came into the suitably snobby High-Street store she used to manage; Millie was with Daddy and massive boyfriend and was wearing a rather daring black underwear, thin white mini-dress combo. Which just goes to show you – being Paul Holmes’ daughter doesn’t really buy taste. Or the ability to not fuck up on drugs. Apparently its all down to the influence of her boyfriend – who weighs 140kg (have you ever seen a P freak who weighs that much? They’re all usually deathly and skeletal looking – maybe he’s on steroids, roid rage anyone?) We love that by the way – “it wasn’t me, it was my boyfriend” – great work, Millie.
On a side note, (this may sound a bit un-PC – but when has that stopped us?) we both find it pretty funny that “celebrities” in New Zealand can’t afford proper drugs and have to take P like the rest of us. Its not like Li-Loh is sitting in rehab craving P right now, or Paris is in Miami sniffing glue.
Which brings us to our main point: “celebrities” in New Zealand are not trying hard enough. Our loyal readers should know by now the extent to which the writers of this column are pre-occupied by the trashy/flouncy happenings of the celebrity world. Which is why we beg of all the Millie Holmes’ and other wannabe Li-Loh, Nicole and Paris’ in Aotearoa to PLEASE, PLEASE think carefully when choosing what drugs to take. You can’t be famous and smoke P. It just DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. It’s not like you see famous people sipping on meths and harassing you a McDonalds in Newtown. It’s just not done. Do all the cocaine you want, smoke some weed (while driving, preferably), take some pills – it’s just the more “famous” thing to do.