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Law School

Critical Critic



Usually I don’t read the news bit of Salient, because I already know that VUWSA is comprised of the cast of the Muppet Show, but this week I saw an article that put the red mist before my eyes. Some dongboat is going to SUE THE UNIVERSITY because the mean librarians were under the impression that they were entitled to the common courtesy accorded to everyone who clearly posts closing times. Nice one, jackass. I did 200-level torts too, so you can guess which one I am committing when I say that if I ever see you, I will give you such a slap – not, I hasten to add, because slapping people is my ‘bag’, but because according to documentaries such as Once Were Warriors, slapping women is ok as long as they did something wrong, and you, sir, are clearly a woman, and mother of fuck did you do something wrong. Grow a pair and realise we don’t live in America and that here the correct way to deal with a setback is not to sue, sue, sue but is instead to write a bitchy little screed about them in Salient.
Oh, law school. How many jerks do you produce a year? I go to law school, and let’s face it, I am not exactly King Personable of Good Dude City. Unlike the Commerce ‘Krew’, whose position in the university hierarchy is roughly that of that nice lady who taught all the retards to read (again) back in primary school days, or the Design School, who will train the super-elite Rambo killers of the future, fuelled on rage and stress and caffeine, or the Humanities and Social Sciences nerds who churn out legions of analysts and researchers to write papers nobody will read for organizations nobody has heard of, the job of the Law School is apparently to turn out jerks. Jerks who have some kind of crazy entitlement complex that since they made it through oh so challenging first year they are now men of the law and are basically Denny Crane in magic disguise. For fuck’s sake, it’s not even that good a show. Street Legal – now there was a show about the law.
Also, the Law School is kind of a hellhole. It’s like living in a museum, only it’s a really boring museum with no exhibits. And it’s cold – cold like a dead person is cold, which I suppose is appropriate, since it is hilarious and original to point out that law students have no souls. My personal favourite fun feature, though, is all the doors that don’t seem to go anywhere but are all locked for no reason. The one thing that the Law School has to its credit is fine, high quality food sold at the little shop in the Common Room, which is good since the only other thing that ever happens there is the yearly farce of the LSS elections – kind of like pledging for a fraternity, I suppose, only it’s a dumb fraternity that nobody wants to be in except for what passes for the cool kids. And there’s a VUWSA office, and the less said about that the better, except that Nick Kelly getting his ass booted out by you voting sorts is pretty much Christmas in advance for me.
If you think campus culture is dead up at Kelburn – damn, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Law school is like a sepulchre – for you commerce students, that’s a big place what you done put dead people in. The main reason for this is that law is pretty much a back-knifing race to the finish line, where the winner gets to suck dick for six years at Buddle Finlay and the loser gets to practice farm law in Hamilton until he or she gives up and kills themselves. Consequently, all law students hate each other and themselves, and compensate for this lack of love by building cults of personality around various lecturers. One day in the future first years will be led into a mass suicide and it will be pretty goddamn awesome and all over the TV, and that will be the most interesting thing that has ever happened at Victoria University.
Christ – this year’s almost over and a player still has another year before he is all done with the university life and can get onto his real vocation viz, unemployment. Whatever – Law School isn’t all awful, so I guess it gets TWO AND A HALF MIGRAINES OUT OF FIVE – bumped up to three if Caroline Morris is around because she is frightening like the dragon. Anyway, dreadful as Law School is, it’s an eternal truth that it’s better than doing Commerce. Bob Jones says so, and he is so old that it must be true. Peace out, yo.