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Inopportune Times to Have Premature Ejaculation

Salient

Opinion

27/02/2006







When you’re in a sperm bank and you haven’t yet removed the cap from the jizz cup
When you’re a praying mantis
When you’re being webcast to your schoolmates, and you’re about to score the hot foreign exchange student
During your first week in the halls
In your mother’s womb


Side-effects of the Pill
1. Balls
2. Acne
3. Big ol’ bubbies
4. Increased likelihood of casual sex
5. Funky under-butter
Things you can expect from Salient this year
1. Cheap shots
2. Blatant self-promotion
3. The 2nd Annual Injunction Function
4. Turbo-charge, racing stripes and blow-off valve
5. A fantastic magazine for the first few months, the inevitable mid-year sag, and then a big fuck you to the readers at the end of the year once we’ve realized that most of us will be working for the government this time next year
Things you will learn from university this year
1. Praying won’t help you pass
2. That a quokka is a Western Australian form of the wallaby
3. That people who work for VUWSA are douches
4. Salient is the best read you will ever have
5. Either a) how incredibly easy it is to get laid, or b) that you’re probably going to be a virgin for the rest of your sad existence
Olympic Insights ‘06
1. Curling chicks are hot
2. Despite the temperature, you never really see an erect nipple
3. Doesn’t matter what country is playing hockey, they all play for the NHL
4. Where do they find the announcers for some fringe sport like luge? This is somebody’s job. What do you do? “I’m a professional luge announcer.”
5. You can’t be a male figure skater and not be completely gay
Reasons why Dick Cheney shot a 78-year-old man in the face
1. He saw brown branches around his face and thought he was an A-rab
2. Because brightly coloured quails really do look like a man’s face
3. He couldn’t come home empty-handed or he’d have looked like a pussy.
4. He thought it was about time a rich, white man got shot
5. He was hungry
Bad times to piss your pants
1. In the dentists chair
2. During the Ski Jump at the Winter Olympics
3. During the first week at the halls
4. During cunnilingus
5. In space
Best excuses for a premature ejaculation
1. You turn me on so much baby, I can’t help myself
2. I’m trying to test out how long my reload time is
3. Sting practises tantric sex. Would you rather be doing Sting??? I think not.
4. Well, I’m good . . . how ‘bout you?
5. I thought you’d be pleased
Things that would be cool to shoot out of a cannon
1. A bunch of knives
2. A baby
3. Phat beats
4. Rainbows
5. Semen
Top 5 Catastrophes of 2206
1. The fiery crash of the unsinkable Titanic Space-Shuttle, which hit an icy asteroid
2. The return of denim track suits
3. The remembrance of the 205th anniversary of September 11
4. Machine uprising
5. The human genocide as a result of the Apes taking over