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I’m Actually Kind of Glad that the Koreans Have a Nuclear Warhead

Nicholas Holm



There have been a lot of fucking awful things said about the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK) this year, and the situation has only deteriorated since they managed to horns-waggle themselves a nuclear weapon. Now, if it had been Burkina Faso, or Gnanalinastan or some other neo-primitive shithole, we’d have patted them on the back and expressed amazement at how a nation where they have not yet realized the healing powers of hygiene had managed to cobble together enough science to produce indoor plumbing, let alone a weapon of mass destruction. But when the North Koreans, Commies AND Asians mind you, manage to squirrel together enough uranium-235 to hold the free world to ransom we suddenly get all up in arms and begin “speculating” about which unlucky oriental metropolis is gonna have to learn to take it like Hiroshima.
And as further punishment we’re subjected to poorly written hack articles about Kim Jong-il which give Western liberals a much needed opportunity to unleash their deeply repressed racism by laughing at an Asian man. The situation is worse on television where hip young news editors think that splicing in clips of the truly painful Team America is both down with the kids and cunning political satire. I’ve got some news for you guys; a) just because its puppets doesn’t mean it’s funny and b) if Helen wore giant platform shoes, co-authored successful feature films, drank heavily, had a “thing for blondes” and her birth had been marked by the appearance of double rainbows, I’d have voted for her instead of Rodney ‘man-of-the-people’ Hide. The Western media likes to giggle behind its hands at the Dear Leader because it’s too scared to admit that the man is a smooth operator and a free spirit, and in the words of a close personal friend of mine – “a bad-ass mother who don’t take no crap off of nobody.”
It’s not as if nobody else has a nuke yet, either. If you ever make the mistake of talking to someone with strong political views, it doesn’t really matter which ones, they’ll probably complain that the US is the only country to have actually used a nuclear weapon during wartime (as well as that one they set off in Broken Arrow which I have on good evidence is actually a documentary). The USSR has them and we all know that Russia is perpetually hammered out of its collective skull on cut-rate vodka and is micromanaged by a president who makes little to no secret of his desire to eat children. But the real problem, the one that keeps me awake at night furiously touching myself, is the French. These are the same people who invented mime, and managed to lose World War II before it even started. Why we’d permit that bunch of beret-wearing, Nazi-collaborating socialists to get their hands on a nuclear weapon is beyond me, especially after their unilateral action against the circular coral formations of the Pacific in the later half of the twentieth century. If the French, with their deplorable human rights record and impractical haute coutere fashion, are allowed several thousand megatons of fiery nuclear death, why the hell should the disciplined and most respected state of DPRK be denied its right, as a sovereign power, to bear arms, as guaranteed in the second amendment?
The answer is simple, you’re all either racists or McCarthyites. It was bad enough for you when the people of the South Asian subcontinent demonstrated they weren’t the backwards savages you’d always taken them to be, with their subterranean tests in the mid-70s. When the North Koreans detonated their sweet one kiloton payload last week, you saw it as the final nail in the coffin for the white race, the seismic aftershocks collapsing your hopes and dreams for your resurgent Aryan (or any other ethnic group) brotherhood. Which may not be fair, after all you might not hate the Korean people, you might just hate communists, and I can dig that. What you need to understand though is that while communism has little viability as an economic system, it’s an excellent way to keep retards from meddling in our affairs. If they spend all their time organising the revolution from the comfort of their parent’s two-storey home in Upper Hutt, then they don’t have any spare time leftover to regale as from street corners or create erotic puppet shows. If the 23 million people of the DPRK were to suddenly be introduced back into the cultural mainstream, the repercussions would be disastrous as feeble minded communists flooded our streets; getting drunk, trapped in public toilets and running for university students’ associations. Which is reason enough to be thankful that they have a bomb, only viable states have the means to produce weapons of mass destruction, and therefore tautologically the DPRK must be viable. And after all, it could be worse, they could concentrate on opening restaurants instead, and I’d rather have an unstable autocrat with a nuke than any more crappy Korean cuisine.