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Idiot’s guide to summer

Denny Lamb



It’s been a long road getting you to this point. I finally feel like I can let you go, like a mother duck watching her ducklings float away to become a Cantonese dinner. It started with such humble beginnings. You learnt the art of the two minute noodles and how to pass your papers. Under my steadfast guidance you even managed to make new friends – sorry, make friends, full stop. And as you may have guessed, this is the last issue of Salient for the year, and therefore my final column, my last words of wisdom, my epitaph, my ultimate hurrah!
So, as I am confident that you’ve got the skills to pass all your exams (if you’re worried, just re-read “An Idiot’s Guide to Exams”), I’ll give you a few words about something you can look forward to after those exams are said and done. It’s currently spring (one of the four seasons). If you’ve been an hour late to work and class for the past few weeks, that’s because you forgot the first joy of spring: Time Traveling. For the next few months, we get to live in future time. Finish work earlier, and therefore get drunk sooner. It’s pretty rad. Other joys of spring include cold mornings, followed by sunny days (meaning you have to take a jersey and scarf to work, but then have to carry it home later!) and Lambs, not Denny Lambs, Lamb Lambs.
But spring will be half-way gone by the time you read this, so let’s just jump on into what this column is all about… Summer! BBQs, Beer crates, Babes in Bikinis, Beaches, Boondock Saints, everything great about summer starts with a ‘B’. That’s easy for an idiot to remember, eh, cause it’s only the second letter in our alphabet. So how do you need to prepare for summer?
First thing you’ll need is appropriate footwear. The truth is Fred Dagg was wrong about one thing, and that’s just how useful a gumboot actually is. Gumboots are necessary for gumboot throwing in Taihape, and in the event of being struck by lighting (another Taihape pastime), but when it comes to summer Gummies have got to go. What you’ll need is a pair of Jandals. You can make these by taking to your sneakers with a pair of safety snips, or I guess you could just buy some. Jandals let your feet breath, so they won’t smell during the hot summer months. Harder men than you and I would just go bare foot, but don’t be intimidated by them, you’re no sissy!
Sun screen is another important summer must. If you remember previous columns when I spoke about global warming, then you’ll possibly remember the ozone layer, and the atmosphere (I may or may not have mentioned this, I don’t know). The sun’s harmful rays will blast you through the hole in our ozone! So it’s important that you slip slop slap. I think you’ll find sunscreen has its plus sides too. It can be used as a moisturiser, a lubricant, and a salad dressing among many other things. You can purchase sun screen from your local pharmacy, or mix it together yourself at home using moisturiser, lubricant and salad dressing.
The beach is probably the number one summer hang out hot spot, but remember a few important rules. Swim between the flags; if your beach doesn’t have flags (and it won’t), that means Jaws is probably near by: Jaws the 5th! Though Jaws can’t eat everyone this summer, so you’ll probably be ok. No jeans; jeans at the beach is like gang patches in local bars, it’s frowned upon. Significantly, come to think of it, gang patches at the beach are also frowned upon, so that may not be the best analogy. Basically, if you can’t get them wet, don’t wear them (clothing rule). But the beach isn’t about rules! It’s about summer loving! It’s a magical place where a naïve girl from Australia can fall in love with the spawn of the Bee Gee’s. It can also be about discovery! Imagine finding out it was earth all along, Outrageous!
You’ve been cooped up inside for several months now studying for those final exams, no doubt you have a little cabin fever and have created your own back stories for the people sitting near you in the library, but soon it will be time to give it all up and enjoy the warmer days. Seriously idiots, no more time reading columns, get out there and enjoy what I imagine will be a beautiful Summer. Thanks for reading; I love each and every one of you. It has been an honour and a privilege writing for you this year.
All the very best…