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Idiot’s guide to a Zombie Invasion

Denny Lamb



Alright, it’s time to get serious. In the course of this year I’ve been trying to improve your lives. Now it is time for me to save those lives. The Zombie Invasion IS a threat. The signs have been in your face your whole life and sadly most of you have chosen to ignore them. I read somewhere that life imitates art, which imitates life, and so on, and it does! We’ve all been in romantic triangles with hilarious consequences.
Many of my friends have been hunted by Bounty Hunters, Terminators and Predators for no real reason and I can’t remember how many times I’ve been kidnapped, taken to what my captures referred to as “The Real World” and told that I am “The One” who will save humanity from the machines. So why wouldn’t you believe that zombie movies were based in reality? That’s right, idiot, this shit just got real!
Now, first things first; hopefully you’ve seen several zombie movies in your time, so you may have at least a few ideas of what you can expect. Yes, the dead will rise, and yes, they will attack the living but, if you are prepared, you’ll have no need to fear. If you’ve seen Dawn of the Dead (the remake) or 28 Days later then you may believe that zombies can run. Don’t worry, zombies can’t run. Technically, the 28 Days Zombies aren’t even real zombies, but that’s a different kettle of fish.
Why can’t zombies run? It’s obvious, really – they’re dead. It’s amazing enough they can walk. We all know it’s pretty hard to run with a hangover; without any blood flowing through you at all, I think walking is the best you can hope for.
Also, zombies can’t think. How do they do what they do? Simple – instinct. With our minds running on full, we have the good grace to not bite each other. Zombies aren’t so lucky. Because they can’t think, out-smarting a zombie should be child’s play, even for a certified idiot like yourself. A zombie will walk straight towards you, slowly, typically with out stretched arms so all you need to do is keep several paces ahead, and don’t walk down any dead-end allies. I imagine you’re now wondering why you were ever worried at all; killing a zombie would be as easy as killing a kitten, only not as satisfying. Well that’s true, but zombies, like teenage girls and Vikings, travel in hordes.
If there is one zombie, then soon there will be 10, and within an hour maybe a hundred, before you know it, your whole city is infected! Yes, if a zombie bites you, you will die, because you will be infected. That part of the Hollywood zombie myth is true. So more than likely, when you discover the zombie invasion for yourself, many of your friends, and a great many fellow students will be among the living dead. You can’t hold back on a zombie, even if it’s a hot chick zombie, or a little child zombie, or a seriously hot chick zombie. You need to be prepared to take the head off your parents if they are going for your brains! You must know how to kill a zombie – that part is in most of the movies – just hack through a zombie’s brain with a machete. What you may need to know is exactly what to do when you’re stuck in a house with the zombie mob outside.
One school of thought with a proven history in New Zealand throughout recent years is just taking some P. P is a performance enhancing drug, which gives you extreme ninja/samurai powers. Grab your Katana, fill your veins, and tie your bandana on – it’s zombie hacking time! Tests are currently underway to determine whether P is actually an antidote for the zombie virus or ‘Z’ virus, but don’t count on it yet. If you haven’t been preparing P in advance, here’s option B: Grow your sideburns as long as you can, dress in all the yellow and blue you can find and tape your katanas/machetes to your hands! It’s Wolverine-ing time! Which superhero would take out an army of zombies with more ease than Wolverine?
Spiderman would spend too much time f**king around, and the hulk is basically a zombie as it is. I have written several letters on your behalf to Hugh Jackman, but he unfortunately still has no plans on releasing “The Wolverines guide to Zombie Ass-kicking”. But if I could sum up with what I believe, it would be…Get Feral, Get Attitude and Get Busy!
You can thank me later for saving your life, idiot.