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Idiot’s guide to Religion

Denny Lamb



Today boy idiots and girl idiots, I am going to tell you a story, an exciting tale about dragons and wizards, well, I’ll probably miss most of those parts out, they get in the way of the “facts” (and I use that word in the loosest terms), Today’s idiots guide is about religion.

Now long ago when dinosaurs ruled the earth (which we know is true because science told us so) there was no need for religion. When little cavemen came, and created fire and the wheel, and started drawing pictures on cave walls, there was still no need for religion. Then years later… things happened in between, but nothing important, the Romans (remember your old sandals, Roman sandals, the Romans later turned into the Sopranos in case you were confused) started kicking ass all over the world. Now, the Romans created the first ‘gods’ and they were awesome, they threw lighting bolts at people and stuff, but they couldn’t help all the Not Romans. So the Not Romans cried out for a hero! Unfortunately Spiderman and Batman were 2000 years away, so it was left up to three old men in a barn, to come up with a plan to save humanity. These men were probably Shakespeare, George Washington maybe, and Buddha, either that or three of the Beatles in an earlier life. They decided to start a rumour, about a baby that would grow up to save the world. His name was Jesus Christ. Buddha later got angry with this plan, and moved to Asia where he started to tell everyone he was really the new God, but only real idiots believed him.
Now this boy Jesus was just a normal kid. He liked the things normal kids did, like Carpentry, and eating fish and wine which he made from ordinary household materials. I remember making mud cakes when I was a kid, they weren’t always made of mud… but I don’t consider myself to be a magician! Anyway, Jesus grew up and started to tell everyone what the three wise men had told him to tell people.
That he was the SON OF GOD!! God, they said created the earth, which is ridiculous cause we all know Xenu and the Galactic Confederacy created the earth billions of years ago. Jesus did simple party tricks to convince people to walk around with him and tell people about him. Some people did, (you’ll have to understand there wasn’t much else to do in those days) but after enough of his BS, Judas ‘betrayed’ Jesus and the Romans nailed him (not sexual) to a cross. Now Judas is the Simon Cowell of the disciples, (which is the name of Jesus’ touring rock group) he is a misunderstood genius. Everyone else in the band had their autobiographies published in what we today call the Bible, but Judas’ autobiography was only discovered recently in a copy of Time magazine dated 45AD, where he clearly states how God told him to betray Jesus.
The moral of that story: If you spend years telling people you are someone you are not, then eventually, someone will use your own stories against you to your downfall. Be true to yourself. Kia Kaha.
Jesus died on that cross and became a symbol for Christians all around the world. It proves to them that God sent his only son to sacrifice his life to save humanity. Which is a nice thought, but surely Jesus isn’t God’s only son!? Ask your parents about Immaculate Conception and you’ll see where I’m coming from. But Jesus came back! Now this is where I have to hand it to him. Houdini could get himself out of almost any sticky situation, and David Copperfield can fly, but Jesus let the world watch him die, and bury him in a cave, then ta da, three days later he’s back! Brilliant. Jesus realised after that, that through death he had achieved more than he could in life. He’s sort of like the poor man’s Vincent Van Gogh, and his painting was rubbish. So he moved away to the North Pole, were he set up a workshop with elves and became Santa Claus, and every year on his birthday he flies around the world and gives all the little boys and girls presents. And now you know the secret of the Da Vinci Code, Jesus is Santa!
But that is merely the story of God’s first son (did you see how I alluded to that before, clever eh?) But unfortunately, this column has come to an end. There is no time to tell you about God’s second son, a small visually impaired boy from Godric’s Hollow with a lighting scar on his forehead…
Amen Idiots!