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Idiot’s Guide to the Internet

Denny Lamb



It’s come to my attention that some of you idiots are confused by some of the things I write about. The snorks may or may not exist, I apologise for not making that clear. Several of you have lashed out at me because of your lack of understanding and I have decided to put an end to it. I will share with you the tool I have used to flesh out many a column. Prepare to be amazed by the wonders of… The Internet!
Now most of you must have typed up a few assignments in your time; you have to these days. I wish we could draw bright pictures of ourselves in crayon and hand those in like the good old days, but you just can’t! You’ve used a computer, the magic box of the office. Not the magic box of the kitchen, don’t confuse the two. Once the box is on you’ve got to sign on to the Internet. You’ll need a password. Make sure it’s something you can remember and not a word that could potentially embarrass you. Believe me, it may be funny for now, but one day you’ll need your girlfriend to log on to your PC to send you the speech you wrote for class but left at home. It’s happened to everyone. Write your password down on your EFTPOS card next to your PIN. Now, use a program that will allow you to surf the web (just like real surfing, only for everyone, not just attractive dropkicks like Patrick Swayze).
The “World Wide Web” was so named because it was an early tie in with the Amazing Adventures of Spiderman. Here are a few of the most interesting things on the World Wide Web:
Blogs and Blogging
Anyone can have a blog. It’s basically an online diary everyone can read. You don’t need to really know anything, facts and information aren’t necessary. You just need an opinion on something (not like this column, which is thoroughly researched). Some people write blogs on their pets, some share their favourite recipes, most just write bullshit. This leads me to…
Facebook, Bebo, MySpace and stuff
Facebook is revolutionising the way we interact with one another. You are able to talk to your friends, keep up to date with them, shout them drinks etc. The sorts of things you’re never able to do at a pub. On Facebook you can live out your wildest dreams. You can finally prove you’re cooler than your peers by having more ‘friends’ than them. You can post photos of your holidays, you can send your pals gifts without spending any money, you can ally yourselves with werewolves or vampires, pirates or ninjas or even create a club for people who like to take their pants off at 3am. Bebo and MySpace are pretty similar, just not as cool. My advice, delete all other accounts. Stick with Facebook (and don’t request me as your friend. I’m not your friend, I’m your mentor).
Surely, surely I don’t need to tell you how to find porn on the Internet. But I guess you’re reading this column for a reason. I suggest heading to google.com. No, wait. Go to blackle.com. It’s the same only it takes less energy to run due to its blacked out screen. It’ll single-handedly save the planet. Now, in the blackle search bar you can pretty much type anything. Try cornish pasty, or freshly mown grass, and I guarantee you’ll come across something to help you get your rocks off. There are more porn sites on the Internet than you could possibly need. Everything from a dentist’s security footage to Lord of the Rings re-cut so that it sounds really filthy. The best thing about porn on the Internet is all the pop up ads. Who knew enlarging your penis would be so cost effective? And if you’re ever going to get a virus from your sex addiction, better that it’s a computer virus. I learned that one the hard way (so to speak).
Now this is the most important website of the last million years. Wikipedia is an online encyclopaedia with all the unnecessary information known to man that anyone can add to. If ever I am confused or unsure of any of my facts, I can check wiki. Apparently they employ people to check the information that people add. Guess I could wikipedia wikipedia and check, but I’ll let you do that, if you wish.
In summary, the Internet is your friend, companion, lover, father figure and mum. Just like every mum, it will teach you more than I ever could. But a word of warning: people can misguide you on the net. People aren’t always who they say they are, and sometimes they might steal your money. But you don’t want to hear about the dangers of the Internet now, do you? Remember, if we are facing in the right direction, all we need to do is keep on walking.