As a totally out lesbian woman, I experience homophobia in various forms on a regular basis. However, as I was saying to a friend recently, the thing that really fucks me off more than a vicious, scathing utterance of “dyke” from some ignorant bigot is when other, non-queer non-women, often heterosexual males, (though not necessarily always) try to reap some kind of benefit from my sexual orientation.
For example, a couple of months ago my girlfriend and I were walking hand in hand through the quad and a guy walking past us said “Yeah, good work ladies, you’re gorgeous!” I personally am offended by such an assertion, because it communicates to me that my sexuality – my love for my girlfriend – is approved only because we are acceptable to the criteria of the Beauty Myth.
We both present ourselves as quite ‘girly’, no shaved heads or facial piercings here (at the moment), and this seems to lead straight males to presume that we’re keen to play the passive Eve to their dominant, predatory Adam. Well, you know what boys, Eve’s leaving you for Jezebel, and she’s never returning to your stifling Garden of Eden. They’re going to the land of gentiles to raise a family of six cats, all named after famous feminist authors.
Another example is when, for some stupid reason, I find myself at a place like Maya – it is incredible how many times drunken men continue to shamelessly hit on me, even after I say “Look, buddy, you’re barking up the entirely wrong tree. I’m so gay I can barely walk,” To me, the continuation of flirtation after this point is extremely disrespectful, as it is a slight upon my choice (because of my sexual orientation) to not sleep with men. I believe that this is fueled largely by a male sense of entitlement to female sexuality. Don’t worry too much – it’s a result of a couple of millennia worth of patriarchal indoctrination, and it is possible to get over it with education and a refusal to remain ignorant.
In reference to this case, imagine if a gay man hit on a straight man. To straight men, if the gay guy continued to flirt with the straight guy after he had made it clear that he was heterosexual, it would be seen as inappropriate and quite disrespectful to the straight guy’s identity as a heterosexual. Yet, as we know, this kind of behaviour can even be called upon in the ‘justice’ system under the defence of provocation. What bullshit. Why is it okay for straight men to own their sexuality so much that they can use it as a defence against murder, and yet lesbians (and certainly straight women also) have the sexuality regularly pulled out from under their feet?
My sexuality is mine. Mine mine mine mine mine! I love women because I love women. My sexuality is not a dedication to getting heterosexual males off. I don’t want them to accept that I sleep with women because they approve – because their approval is based upon the fact that they feel they can gain something from it (lesbianism) – and therefore from me.
The discourse of “girl-on-girl/hot lesbians” derives from a patriarchal struggle with the concept that lesbians are women who are attracted exclusively to women. It is a denial of this exclusivity, and perpetuates the myth that female sexuality is passive and that are intrinsically designed for men’s enjoyment and fulfilment of desire.
I feel I must point out that this is not a sexnegative point of view I make. I would be the very first one to say that queer women’s sex lives can be incredibly hot, but I don’t want my sexuality to be viewed as open for exploitation by straight men. Nor do I deny that sexuality is fluid. I am comfortable entertaining the idea that it is possible one day I may develop a penchant for penis (if you will). But that does not mean that a woman’s self-identification as a lesbian and her decision to exclusively sleep with other women is any less valid, or that it should be considered a phase that we’re gonna get over once we have a really good lay, or whatever. What I’m advocating here is RESPECT. Aretha said it, and I’m saying it again.
This is why I disagree with the assertions made in last week’s Women’s Column about the song ‘I Kissed a Girl’ by Katy Perry. I feel that far from being “defiant in owning that she enjoyed it”, the lyrics of this song illustrate a submission by women to the omnipotence of men’s assumed virility. It is merely a case of lipstick lesbianism – a blatant attempt to turn men on for commercial gain. It’s disgustingly submissive, in my opinion. “I kissed a girl just to try it/ Hope my boyfriend don’t mind it”? Fuck your boyfriend, Katy Perry, and fuck your fauxmo exploits.