I haven’t always been a rug muncher. I was (mostly) all about the the dudes until I met my girlfriend. Over the course of our relationship I have not only perfected the art of carpet licking but I have also befriended many excellent lesbians. Stereotypes are stupid, I know, and sexuality is irrelevant, but there are some things that only the lady-loving-ladies in my life have been able to teach me. I’m sharing them with you, in the hope that we can all learn a little somethin’ somethin’.
1. Be supportive
When you’re a lesbot there are fewer opportunities to feel part of a community than there are for straight people, which is why LGBTQ spaces are so important. This is also why scissor sisters just love to support each other. Lesbians, bless their hearts, come out in droves to support Sapphic stand up comics, musicians and events. The success of roller derby can surely be 80 per cent attributed to the voracious way that the lesbian community really put their money where their mouth is (so to speak) and show up at the TSB Arena to buy beer and shout at hot women with formidable thigh muscles. Dyke camaraderie is also entirely responsible for the success of the L Word—a truly terrible television show with an average of three gaysexualist sex scenes per episode. As lacklustre as the show may be, I am yet to meet a lesbian who doesn’t own the box set. The lesson here is to support whatever it is you want to see more of in the world. Be generous. Donate money to the blog you love. Go and watch your friends playing sport. Volunteer at the film festival you don’t want to see disappear.
2. Use lubricant
Like that precocious red crab said in the Little Mermaid, darling it’s better down where it’s wetter, take it from me. If anything is being inserted anywhere: lubricate it. Liberally.
3. Resist drama
There are only so many clam diggers to pick and choose from and thus, the net of lesbian intimate relations is a sticky one, both figuratively and literally. The net is inescapable, because even when you move to London and you go to a gay bar called the Twat Boutique and you have an actual boutique of twats to choose from you will still end up going home with my girlfriend’s ex-girlfriend. As a muff diver, you just deal with this. I’ve held pot lucks where every vagitarian in the room has slept with everybody else. It’s not awkward, even though everyone has seen everybody else naked. We can all take a page out of the lesbian-book and learn from this. I’ve had heterosexual friends who have refused to attend parties because there is a chance their ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend might be there. Resist drama. Go to the party. Say hi. At the very least, you can compare notes on funny orgasm faces.
4. Marinate your tofu
I’ve eaten a lot of tofu in my life and the best stuff has always been cooked by lesbians. Marinate that shit for as long as possible.