So you’re sick of being called a dummy. Sick of the laughing, the taunting, the teasing. People treat you like you’re Retarded South Island Mechanic Spanners Watson, except you can’t even build a rocket car. Even Spanners is hassling you, and quite frankly you’ve had enough. Well, I don’t know how it feels to be called a dummy, because I follow these simple steps which I’m going to share with you:
STEP ONE: JOIN A UNIVERSITY
So you’ve joined a university, which was a bit silly because you’ve spent billions of dollars getting in debt for the rest of your life when you could have just looked stuff up in a library or on the net for free. Not off to a good start, are you Spanners? But seriously, other people don’t see it this way and tend to think you’re a real smarty pants for joining a university, especially if you study something with the words ‘molecular’ or ‘quantum’ in it. “I study quantum poetry” you should say to people at parties. Try this sentence: “I break the poem down to a molecular level and phosphatase the overdrive remittance combulatrixian metastasisism.” Saying stuff like that will get you laid.
STEP SIX: READING MATERIAL
Oh no Spanners, you’re reading Salient! That’s not appropriate. Come on, you should be reading something like ‘Archenteron sub-atomic molecular invagination in sea squid hydrodynamic thermo-space quantum bar-couplers’ or anything by Stephen Hawking, like his totally killer book Black Holes and Other Animals. “Yeah” you should say casually as you tilt your beret and sip your $15 mocchalattespressojism while you lean against a rail, or a rugbyhead; “It’s debunking the theory of spheroid congregatory mesenthemum against a classic neo- Victorian era in ancient planar archetypal fumigants in the 9ml ducting.” Man, whatever laid is, you are so going to get it. You can be kind of flexible with reading material by paying attention to cool new fads like ecology by using books like The Scooter Solution or Let’s Not Kill Everything On The Planet Till We’re Really Old and It Won’t Matter. The main thing here is to have your book out in the open where everyone can see it so they know how smart you are. Always walk around with your book out of your bag, even when it’s raining. You should always be reading it too, casually, disinterestedly, like it’s barely even scratching the sides of your vast brain. You should be reading it in lectures, on the bus, in the queue at the cafe to get your coffee, when driving on the motorway and especially when crossing the road.
STEP GAMMA: PLAY MAGIC THE GATHERING
Oh my god! Do you play magic? So do I! I’ve got a white soldier deck, a brown deck, a red/black/green anti-land deck, but I don’t have any Dingus Eggs! Doh! I need to swap my fifth edition Mill Stones back off Sam though. I’ve got a zombie deck and once I even got a royal flush and beat Agent Smith. My old best buddy Ben had a fifth edition Shivan Dragon (Like, Omigod) and a Rock Hydra. STEPMASTER: HATE YOUR PHONE Have you ever seen those trendy people with their trendy new phones? The really flash phones with internet and phasers and lcd screens and all that stuff? And when you say, “Wow, nice phone,” they turn to you as if you just suggested eating possum dung and say “I hate this phone. I loathe it.” These people are WAY smarter than you, and strange as it may seem, you need to be like one of these people. So go and find a really expensive phone that you hate, and buy it. “Yeah, this phone only has a torch, world texting, global underarm aroma, transmission of viral computation, porn, internet, internet porn, camera for rainy days, camera for rainy nights, camera for days and nights, and the entire US federal arms budget and it could stop global warming and terrorism and drink driving right now,” the phone haters will say nonchalantly as they wave their phone round. “Wow, cool phone” someone stupidly says. “No this phone suuuuucks,” they hiss at the offender as if that person had just crawled out of a toilet. “This phone is so below modern standards I wouldn’t even figure out a STAT 193 question with it.” Get a phone that kicks ass, and hate it. When you are this arrogant and you can pretend everything is years behind you and you condescend to everyone, people will think you are really clever and look up to you and you’ll be really popular.
ENFORCING YOUR MIGHTY BRAIN ON OTHERS: WALTON’S THIRD LAW: THE HYPER-DYNAMICS OF BEING COOL: TALK ABOUT PHYSICS: IT MEANS YOU’RE CLEVER, ESPECIALLY IF YOUR MATES ARE WASTED
Did you ever notice that clever people are always talking about physics and maths, and saying how it ‘makes sense’ and how it’s really ‘simple’? And talking about the ‘universe’ – whatever the hell that is – and spatial continuums within a vacuum. Well your goal should be to incorporate some physics into your conversations, wherein you always explain something really heavy like if there’s a God or what reality is or whatever, and you always say it in the condescending tone of voice most people use when they talk about the Paul Holmes album, or if you’re teaching a thirty year old how to spell their own name, for example you turn your nose up and say “Well, it’s perfectly obvious to anyone with a knowledge of even elementary physics that the universe cannot possibly dictate action potential across a membrane within the vacuum of space-ology during season three of Sienfeld.” and suddenly you are Mr or Mrs Clever. The trick here is not to be intimidated by the big words – nobody knows what they mean anyway. It’s quite easy really, just follow my examples here:
STRANGER: Ja, me and the rest of the Under 21 Swedish Cheerleading squad are so horny and naked with nowhere to stay … can we hop in the shower with you for some time? YOU: Ha ha! Time is an illusion. I can’t believe you didn’t know that!
(Then you walk away coolly)
Or like this:
YOUR SOUL MATE: Hi, I’m a well off, single, good-looking, suave twentysomething, looking for that special someone. I’ve got heaps of cash, my debts paid, my own house, a fast car, no bad habits, good morals, I’m a fantastic lover and I WANT YOU NOW OR NEVER!!!!! YOU: Hang on, I’m just doing the vacuuming.
Man, you are SOOOO cool.
Or like this: STRANGER: Is a continuum fractally based on the fourier constant within the hydration shell of a dog, or are cats better? YOU: Well, the piezoelectric defibrillator isn’t going anywhere to a hypotenuse, so I think … what’s this? A text from The Planck Institute of Spatial Acne and Bono and Greenpeace and Richard Dawkins? Oh man I hate this phone!
SUMMARISING YOUR BRAINS TO ROCK THE PARTY OUT
So just remember: Physics, Magic the Gathering, hate your phone, and you’ll be sure to bring that Stephen Hawking book to the next party you go to, won’t you. Some big fat glasses will help to read the book while all the others at the party are ‘dancing’ or ‘headbanging’ or whatever, and don’t forget to dress smart, with a collar and tie, it is a party after all, and tuck your shirt in, don’t drink any beer so you can say the big words, and put some cream on those pimples. What about a nice centre parting haircut? There! Now you are rockin’ the party! When you turn up at the party they are gonna be all over you! Now for some final help when you wake up naked in your seducer’s bed on Sunday morning and want to slip away into the day, just say something like “The gyrating last night was sub-par, and my scrotality was worn thin performing for you, thus, ipso, alea jacta, ergo, I commit to disappear into the subspace fracture we quaintly call reality.” That’s what you should do. Me? I’m building a rocket car.