It was long ago thought that the mighty robots that were the inspiration for the Hasbro toy company to produce a product that spawned thousands of battles with children on a miniature scale, had died out in the last North American jihad against fun during the 1950s. It would appear that we were all mistaken and indeed these mighty warriors have come forth from their hiding place to criticise the new film that some say glorifies them. G.N.M reporter Saul Hudson travelled to the arctic north of Norway to bring us this crucial story.
Transformers come out of hiding to complain about recent film.
Reported on by Saul Hudson.
From the depths of the frozen wastes in northern Norway, the mighty robots once known by children across the world as the Autobots have emerged after almost half a century of hiding. With this emergence of an Old Testament to the industrial superiority of American toy manufactures they come bearing not so-happy views, as was once hoped. You see it is the recent incarnation of the Transformer brand in the multi-million dollar blockbuster Transformers that had its debut all over the world early this month that has caused these behemoths of steel and fission to return. They have returned to wreak what will most certainly be the mother of all defamation law suits.
The Autobots’ leader, the heroic Optimus Prime, was the first of the titanic intergalactic travellers to be seen in Norway, making a guest appearance at a mall opening in Oslo only to use the publicity stunt as a means to announce that the Autobots would be returning, and they would be suing. In a snap interview, the leader proved he could be both candid and charming about the Autobots’ time in hiding, and their future plans for their time on earth.
Saul: So Mr Prime, tell me, where have you and the Autobots been hiding all this time, and why did you choose to go into hiding?
Prime: Well, it all started when we were asked if we wanted to be the stars in some kids’ programme, and we all thought that was a great idea. I mean, not only was it going to be some horribly moral thing aimed at kids, which is what we used to be about, but it was also going to make us famous – but we wouldn’t be like regular stars and get mobbed on the streets. Also we figured, what better way to keep secret? Not like we did in the ‘50s, but it started to go horribly wrong.
Saul: In what way?
Prime: Well kids were getting really into it, I mean really. I would be like parked outside a porn store waiting for my friends to come back with, well, porn. Anyway, these kids would just be like all over me and trying to make me transform and shit. It was whack. I hated it, and then when the cartoon stopped airing but the toys kept selling, and there were all these old fat guys dressing up as me and the guys, it made us sick. So we all quit being vehicles and moved to an ice castle Megatron had made in Norway. We basically just hung out for the last 20 years and did drugs.
Saul: The Autobots and the Decepticons?
Prime: Yeah. We just talked about how stupid that whole war thing we had going was and decided to be mates. Megatron tried to kill me in my sleep one day though, so I beat his ass eight ways from Sunday and now I’m the leader of us all. Anyway we came back because we were sick to death of this whole pussy good guy shit. We’re back and we want it all.
Saul: What is it that you want Mr. Prime?
Prime: It all, we’re shooting for total world domination… or failing that, siding with the winning side to scour the world in some kind of horrific holocaust. We are currently negotiating with the Zombie Army in Russia. Good things will come of this, I can tell. Anyway, thanks for a chance to tell our side of the whole story thing, but if it’s all the same, I have some polar bears to shoot at and then a couple of towns to destroy…need to see if my game’s still good.
Saul: Well sure, thank you for the interview, it’s been great.
Prime: No, thank you.
Well, as you can see, times have certainly changed. One can only guess what will come of the Autobots’ newfound anger toward humanity. I think much of the blame can be left up to Hollywood and its constant desire to replay the Judaeo-Christian myth of good triumphing over evil; it looks like good has turned over to evil and humanity is the one to pay. Still, it’s nice to know what happened to those brave robots that defended humanity for so many generations.
G.N.M, bringing you the news that’s relevant.
Breaking News: Singer Ozzy Osborne found to be a member of the Zombie Army of Doom!
Suspicions about the state of Ozzy Osborne were confirmed today with new photos that came out of Russia. It would appear that Osborne answered the call of the Zombie and joined his fellow brethren in a gathering in the north of Russia.
This move by the washed up singer who refuses to go away has proved what many had suspected for decades now, that the chronic drug abuse and years of drinking till he fell over have turned what would be a normal crotchety old man into some kind of horrible Zombie singer. Reports as yet have not confirmed what kind of role he will be playing in the army, but one thing is certain: with his history of evil, it does not bode well for the rest of mankind. G.N.M keeping you informed about impending doom.
Gonzo the News Mole presents: Political Limericks!
There once was a man from Dunedin South,
Who put balls in someone’s mouth,
He lied to the brass,
So they fired his arse,
And Aunty Helen said “Get out-th!”
There once was a man named Pope,
Who was known as a bit of a dope,
Couldn’t trust his employee,
Who had ties to John Key,
So the public hanged him by a rope.