We’ve all had them. emails that want us to buy viagra, cialis, magic pills that will increase the length and girth of your penis, boost your performance and make you a stud.
I was interested in them the first few times I received the emails. My penis tingled in anticipation of growing to be over twice his length, being able to ejaculate a bucket of semen and service at least twelve girls a night. But as soon as I clicked on a link my inbox was deluged with similar emails. I’m no medical doctor, but I think if I had bought all those pills, potions and contraptions my naughty bits would have fallen off years ago. So I decided to put them in my spam folder and forget about them.
But then the fiends started to get tricksy and disused their advertisements for penile enhancement in the guise of breaking world news. As someone who has subscribed to many email lists to stem my interest in current events. This came as a shock to me when I was sitting downstairs on the computers in the library and I clicked on a seemingly innocuous link about Hillary Clinton. Suddenly my screen is covered with pop ups offering the same goodies as before. Ahhhh these cunning cyber spammers had got me again!
So after a little bit of embarrassment, screen covering and mousing clicking I moved this to my spam box.
But this is the internetz, and just like John McClane said in Die Hard II, anything you can think of, they can think of too. I however did not think that some lovely people in Nigeria would attempt to scam money out of me.
This had gone beyond the pale! Instead of offering me drugs to help with my sexual inadequacies – I had always wondered how they found out about them in the first place, but no matter – and offering me a product in return for my hard earned studylink money. They just wanted to steal it.
For example, I received this email this morning:
———- Original message ———-
From: Miss Angelina <angelakkk17@yahoo.com>
Date: Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 11:39 PM
Subject: My dear
To: recipients <undisclosed>
My dear, I am miss Angelina from Asmara , Eritrea , single and 19 years old and a christian by religion. After going through your information i copied out only your email address and i made up my mind to contact you for long term relationship, and for you to be my financial and investment manager because you are my choice of trust and i see nothing wrong with the choice that i have made in you.
After you reply this letter and agree for long term relationship and to be my financial and investment manager, I will email you all information concerning me and all the reason why i have chosen you to be my investment and financial manager.
I am waiting for your reply,
Miss Angelina
So now they’re not just offering me pornography and erectile enhancements, they’re offering the end goal of me growing a bigger penis and being able to sustain erection in the first place: a woman.
Well I must say, this offer tempted me. I consulted some friends and they said that I needed a good woman in my life and Angelina sounded like a good honest woman who I could help out. So I am going to email her back.
———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Jackson Wood <jackson@salient.org.nz>
Date: Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 6:36 PM
Subject: Re: My dear
To: angelakkk17@yahoo.com
Dear Angelina,
I am Jackson from Wellington, New Zealand, single and 23 years old and an atheist, so I hope you can live with that. I couldn’t find any information about you, I even googled “Angelina from Asmara , Eritrea” and all I got were hits about Angelina Jolie, minefields and a blog post someone else receiving an email that looked remarkably similar to the one you sent me (oh but I know you wouldn’t email anyone but me!)
So I guess before I jump into a relationship with you, I just wanted to know some things about you. I don’t say this because I am not in love with you, because I am. I think that you will make a good person to have a long term relationship with – but I want to know if my future wife and mother of my children is all that I hope and dream her to be. I see nothing wrong with my choice to invest such an emotional connection to you and can’t wait for you to come over to New Zealand so you can start popping out cute little babies for me. But I just want to be sure you are the real thing, and not one of these Nigerian scammers I have been hearing abou (which you obviously cannot be since you are in Eritrea!)
So I do agree to be your long term lover, wife if you will, maybe if you are uncomfortable with that we could just get civil unioned. As for the financial manager part, well I thank you for you trust in my financial acumen. I currently have negative $200 New Zealand in my bank account which equates to roughly to 1,485.58 Nakfa. I am willing to throw all of this into starting up a family with you.
The Rolling Stones song, Angie seems appropriate here:
“With no loving in our souls
And no money in our coats
You can’t say we’re satisfied
But Angie, I still love you, baby
Ev’rywhere I look I see your eyes
There ain’t a woman that comes close to you
Come on baby, dry your eyes”
I promise you you Angie, that I will always be there to dry your eyes. Even if I literally have no money (I can fax you a bank statement to prove this), I will always satisfy you in a sexual manner. I can do this because I have bottles and bottles of Viagra and all sorts of contraptions that will aide me in pleasing you, that nice people just like you, on the Internet have sold me.
My heart shall not rest till I hear from you my love,
Jackson James Wood
I cannot wait till she emails me back. I will let you know the results, and invite you all to my wedding.