Global warming is freakin’ EVERYWHERE these days. The media covers it nearly as much as Hollywood hook-ups and political scandals, so it’s become almost as annoying as those “Save the Whales” shirts from Supré (Almost). Sure, the climate may a bit hotter now than it was before, and yeah, the weather has been a bit weird lately – but does that really warrant all this fuss?
It’s a messy business, and quite controversial. For one, there was actually a ‘Medieval Warm Period’, or ‘Medieval Climatic Anomaly’ (800-1300 AD), when the weather was unusually warm, and it was even followed by a ‘Little Ice Age’ – as if was part of a trend in a bigger picture. However, as well as the specific details of and conclusions derived from this period, its very existence as an anomaly has been contested, since apparently not all technicalities were considered. Translation: No one knows if global warming is supposed to happen, let alone if it’s our fault.
That’s the problem with this global warming scare. Compared to the Earth’s four billion years, humankind is unbelievably young, whether you count from Homo Sapiens or Adam and Eve. As a result, many global warming statistics look quite flimsy. Like: Eleven of the twelve years between 1995 and 2006 are the warmest years in the instrumental record! That is, since 1850. Or: the average Northern Hemisphere temperatures during the second half of the 20th Century were very likely higher than during any other 50-year-period! Provided you only count the last 500 years.
Species-wise, dinosaurs were also relatively young, seeing as they died out long ago (and don’t give me that crap about tuataras). Still, we can draw interesting conclusions from their experiences. For starters, during the Mesozoic period (251 million years ago), no one worried about the polar ice caps melting. Not necessarily because dinosaurs lacked the mental capacity for contemplating environmental matters, but because there were no polar ice caps at all – so the sea levels were about 100-250m higher than today’s. The atmospheric temperatures were different too, with the poles being 50°C warmer, and carbon dioxide levels up to twelve times higher. Perhaps dinosaurs should have considered a carbon tax on their various industrial endeavours, or solarpowered public transport. Yeah, that’s really why they went extinct, those self-serving capitalist reptiles!
One can also uncover the uncertainty about this potential doomsday by looking at how it’s being dealt with (other than those carbon programmes). The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) was one result of this allegedly manmade climate change. Its purpose, to quote IPCC itself: “… to provide the decision-makers and others interested in climate change with an objective source of information about climate change.” But note: “The IPCC does not conduct any research nor does it monitor climate related data…” So the problem-solving might well be as hollow as the problem itself! The IPCC seems to be just another body in the conga line of the blind leading the blind, substituting actual research for assessing “the latest scientific, technical and socio-economic literature produced worldwide”. I do hope they cite their sources. And couldn’t they have used a more scientificsounding word than ‘literature’, so that we could at least pretend that they know what they’re doing?
Another view, regardless of whether global warming will be as epic as some people have predicted, is that our species causes harm to the planet through its sheer numbers. After all, our population count was about 6.7 billion in March 2008. However (and I’m not sure if anyone else has noticed this), people are miniscule compared to this rock we call home – even counting those really tall guys in the Guinness Book of World Records. The Earth’s average radius alone is about 6,380km, and we only really occupy the surface, seeing as the magma would kill us and all. So, we should really take a little perspective on this.
Let’s look at bacteria! Wait, you can’t – unless you have a microscope, because they’re only a few micrometres long (which is really, REALLY small). Considering that there are approximately ten times more bacterial cells than human cells in the human body (eww, by the way), we don’t notice them all that much. We get colds and sniffles, but mostly we survive. So, while it’s selfish to ‘abuse’ Earth, it might also be a bit arrogant to presume that the planet couldn’t manage without us. I mean, God KNOWS (or perhaps scientists do) what sort of mischief bacteria gets up to these days.
In the end, the most interesting thing about global warming is the fact that the most powerful greenhouse gas is not carbon dioxide, which only causes about 9-26% of the greenhouse effect (i.e. the effect of various gases in the atmosphere keeping the heat trapped on Earth). So, even if we sorted out this carbon emissions business, not even a third of the problem would be solved. Believe it or not, 36-70% of the problem is water vapour. WATER VAPOUR. Like HELL the greenies are pinning that all on us!
But whatever the truth behind global warming turns out to be, this doesn’t justify the excessive manipulation of natural resources, nor general polluting – maybe not even single-sided printing. Just keep in mind that there are many other problems to be concerned about, environmental or otherwise. And I’d say that global warring beats global warming any day.
Global Warming, Really Cool?
Few people seem to look at the silver lining of any stormy apocalyptic catastrophes, global warming in particular. There is also a definite lack of movies about its potential benefits. But in fact (while simultaneously purely in theory), global warming could solve quite a few of today’s problems, or at least enough to outweigh possible negative consequences. So let’s take a minute to really imagine the situation…
– World Food Crisis:
Woolly animals, like llamas, are no longer needed for clothes. Also, the ice and snow melts, so all the polar bears and other animals that don’t adapt die. We eat them all. Those that do survive turn into really cool sea-creatures. The Japanese government fishes them out, then everyone else hijacks their ships, under the pretence of destroying whaling equipment. More food.
– Obesity ‘Epidemic’:
The new polar bear diet doesn’t help. Luckily, the extreme heat leads to humans evolving into a new species (known as XSMen) with far less fat cells, seeing as ‘winter fat’ and such is now completely pointless, and even detrimental to our survival. Those who don’t evolve sweat most of it out anyway.
– Energy Crisis:
As it becomes clear that humans are genetically adapting to the new climate, some scientists decide to help speed up the process, via government-funded operations to remove most fat. Unbeknownst to everyone who signs up to the programme, the fine print at the bottom of the contract that they sign before the operation declares that all extracted fat is to become property of the government. The government then proceeds to turn this human fat into fuel (because they all watched that episode of Boston Legal too).
– Inequalities Between Developed and Developing Nations:
Europe gets thrashed by all the water from the melted ice caps. Deserts in the USA expand and people suffer from droughts. The Third World laughs.
– Religious Differences:
Extremely religious people conclude that this is their deity/ deities punishing all the non-believers, and sit back to wait for all the smiting. The vaguely religious people and atheists start worshipping everyone just to be safe. People in the middle either guiltily convert to a more compassionate religion, or wonder if life is really just scientific after all. The agnostics join up with those who turn to science, and together they try to build rockets to get off the damn planet. Meanwhile, it’s too hot to wear headscarves, and the Western world adopts the loose robes from the Middle East for practicality. Everyone gets confused.
– Overpopulation:
If you can’t handle the heat, stay out of the kitchen. Unfortunately, not everyone can find their way out. So, they become livingly- challenged. More housing opportunities for those left alive.
Apocalypse NOW! Now? … Now?
Is global warming just another craze? Perhaps. Is it crazy to suggest that global warming might be another fad, exaggerated to epic proportions? NO. Collectively, people seem to be pretty damn obsessed with apocalypses. It’s almost as if we aren’t happy unless we are ‘certain’ of some sort of impending doom looming around the corner.
– Exhibit A:
Various biblical Judgement Days and such. There have been views that we’re already in Hell, so that’s your call.
– Exhibit B:
The Y2K bug. A certain writer was especially impressionable around that time, and may or may not have thought that the commotion was about computers going berserk. And possibly electrocuting people. And possibly even coming to life, making little anthropomorphic-but-still-electronic noises. Turns out that it was more the fear of computers getting confused by the dates. Okay, that may be simplifying it somewhat, but still, it was disappointingly anti-climactic. Moreover, according to a BBC article in January 2000, at least $300 billion (and that’s US dollars) was spent in preparation for it. Wow.
– Exhibit C:
The Year 2000 in general. Alongside the computer bug (which wasn’t as potentially disastrous as we’d really hoped for), there was the general sense that at midnight, between December 31, 1999 and January 1, 2000, something mysteriously catastrophic could happen. Then, when nothing did, there were rumours that we actually started counting the years wrong, and the mysterious catastrophic something-or-other would in fact occur at midnight exactly a year later. Yeah, because apocalypses SO pay attention to things like the historical basis of our calendars.
– Exhibit D:
Hole in the ozone layer. So, the ozone’s pretty much a gassy blanket, or a sort of invisible coffee filter, that lies between us and the burning wrath of the sun. The hole in question was discovered in 1985, and there was a lot of general freaking out that went on and off for a while. But then it seemed to float away, rather like the gas itself. The hole’s still up there, but all the hoopla isn’t. Perhaps it escaped into outer space?
– Exhibit E:
Miscellaneous. The sun will explode and blow us up! A meteor will smash into the Earth! The planet will collapse because of overpopulation! We’ll get invaded by aliens with probes! All the aliens that are already here will escape from that top-secret military base and get revenge – with probes! The ‘Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’ is actually a prophecy! Global warming! … Ahhhh!
And yet, we’re still here. Either there are some seriously incompetent deities and/or aliens who can’t get their act together, or it’s all in our heads. Go us!