Going up
– The amount of VUWSA election Facebook invites.
– UniQ’s Day of Silence.
– Narcos, season two.
– Eminem vs. the National Party—May 2017.
– The library bar now including Rosebud cocktails in the 2-for-1 Wednesday deal.
Going down
– Realising the “week six slump” is a whole trimester slump.
– Ingrown toenails.
– Victoria University’s anti-union antics.
– Harambe memes.
– Trying to apply deodorant in a turtleneck.
Interview: Tom Hiddleston
How do you feel after breaking up with Taylor Swift?
I felt like it was going to be forever, but now it’s gone down in flames. She told me it was over, and now I feel the pain. She had a long list of ex-lovers, which is insane! But she had a blank space, and she wrote my name.
Why did you break up?
Clause 4.7 in our relationship contract expired and we were no longer obligat— I mean… we just had busy schedules and we grew apart. Yeah. That’s it.
What would you like the title of the song she’ll write about you to be called?
I’d accept either “Lucky to have Loki” or “Tom-orrow’s Another Day”.
What’s next for you?
Going to go back to being a heartthrob and dominating all Tumblr girls’ fantasies.
Kanye or Kendrick?
Calvin Harris.
Humdingers
A “randy” cat has been terrorising a Christchurch resident so much they wrote a hand-drawn note to its owner saying “no one in our house wants to have sex with you mr cat please go away.” While the identity of the author of the note remains unknown, it was probably philanthropist cat hater Gareth Morgan.
A woman in south Canterbury is claiming she has seen a black panther or puma roaming the plains. Similar claims of seeing such a beast were made in 2001, 2003, and 2005 in the same area. While residents are frightened, Sir Peter Jackson executives are excited about making The Jungle Book 2: Escape from Timaru.