You know who needs to be smacked? Sue Bradford. I’m sick of people like her. Shouldn’t they be out planting a tree or picking up errant pieces of plastic? I’m sick of being told that my (non-existent) child has rights to their own body, while me as a parent can’t beat and bash my kid around. Next they’ll be telling me I can’t drag my kid behind the car when he starts crying about me using him as an ashtray.
Now why does Sue Bradford think a child actually has rights? Don’t these people realise that I own a child and can do what I please to it? If I want to sell it on TradeMe I can. I’m the parent, and therefore I own my child. I have the right to assign monetary values to the organs of my children and sell them off to rich people. If I want to stick apples on their heads and practice my target shooting I can. Even the Bible says I can sell my daughter into bondage if I so feel like it, and what’s the point of reading the Bible if you’re not going to take it literally? So for people like Sue Bradford, who say children have rights, give me one example of these ‘so-called’ rights. Sex abuse, duty of care and etcetera don’t count. Those rules are just pandering to the PC brigade who don’t allow me to blow smoke onto my newborn baby. I want rules that everyone takes note of, not just non-Maori.
Doesn’t Sue Bradford realise that parents’ rights are more important? Isn’t the whole point of parenting so you’ve got someone to look after when you’re old? I’m not having children for them to become independent and leave the house. I will always know what’s best. In fact, I’m making up a certificate as we speak, “The Parent Knows More Than You” Certificate to give out to concerned parents in case their children start talking about personal rights. I’m sick of the nanny state intervening and telling someone else how to run their life, when I should be the person running their life. You know what else Sue Bradford hasn’t thought of? The Freudian implications. Now Freud says children need to get beaten by their father so they don’t keep lusting after their mother. Now if we stopped people being allowed to beat their kids, we’re going to grow up with a generation of mother-luster afterers. No longer can fathers only not trust old Jim next-door, or old Sigmund down in the adult shop, but also young Sammy back at the hut.
I’ll tell you how I will deal with my kids. Firstly, I’ll be calm enough that I’ll be in complete control to choose between the wooden spoon and my rod carved out of elephant ivory. I can’t believe people claim most smacking is done when the parent is angry. Of course people will hit when they’re angry, we’re not Nazis. After I give them a couple of slaps and a few whacks, then I’ll sit them down and explain exactly what they did wrong for ten to fifteen minutes. Of course the kid may be crying and not actually know why they were hit, but my impassioned explanation will get through to them.
Then I’ll give them a pen and make them write a 1000 word essay summing up all that they’ve learned and why I had to smack them. You have to be firm. There’ll be no hugging. I don’t want to raise fags. Does Sue Bradford understand the meticulous way all parents punish their children? No, she clearly doesn’t. Now I don’t care if I’m in a supermarket or in the car, the rod, speech, pen and paper will come out.
Smacking separates us from the animals. Dogs don’t smack their puppies and look how stupid they are. You know what I also learned that Sue Bradford doesn’t know? Some lawyer from Sweden came and told me how their society is going down the drain. I know she’s not even a proper lawyer and isn’t actually admitted to the bar, but I’ll trust her opinion more than someone from Abba. And you know what would happen if Sweden went off the rails? There’d be a lot of hot, young slappers.
People will be talking about those Kahui twins and all that, but as the media have clearly shown, only Maori beat their kids to that extent. So I’ve got nothing to worry about.
You know what I wish the law would change? This is what people like Sue Bradford should be doing. I should be allowed to smack my best friends’ kids if they hit my child without being charged with assault. I demand the right to smack random babies. Also, I also demand a repeal of domestic violence laws. I slap my bitch around if I catch her with Jim or Sigmund all the time, and it clearly doesn’t do her any harm. While we’re at it, let’s get rid of this whole idea of the child’s interests being the most important concern in family law. If parents want to sell their Down Syndrome children with the mental age of 4 to elderly pastors who then rape those children, that’s their prerogative.
I demand the right to keep smacking children. Any child. Including Sue Bradford’s.
(Originally published in Salient August 7, 2006)