Happy Pride Week, everybody! Hope you’re feeling liberated, camp (yes, even you straight-identifying people should camp it up this week), rainbow-flavoured, and absolutely bursting with diverse pride! As many of you may know, I adore talking about sex – which is what this article’s going to be all about!
I’ve written most of this (except for the fellatio guide) by myself, getting information from books/websites/“first-hand knowledge”. I want to be as inclusive as possible, so throughout this article I’m aiming at using the non-gender-specific pronouns “hir” and “ze”, which might sound a little odd to those of you who aren’t used to it, but it’s important to recognise that a person’s genitals don’t determine their gender.
Writing about sex is a bit of a mammoth task, so due to word constraints, I’m taking a “how-to” approach – focusing on oral sex, anal sex, BDSM, fisting and last (but definitely not least), group sex.
(Aka: blow job, sucking cock, going down, giving head)
There are many variations of how to connect a penis with a mouth. Here are two.
The first eventuates with the receiver lying on their back in a relaxed state. Now, remember, teasing is an essential way to increase excitement and have your partner begging for you. Start by kissing down hir chest, lightly blowing as you move slowly down and run your hands lightly over the penis. As you approach the tip, and before you start using your tongue, make eye contact if possible, while grabbing the base of the penis with your hand.
Once ze is absolutely begging, use your tongue to flick the tip of the penis. Make contact increasingly longer until you finally wrap your lips around the head of the penis and lightly suck. Stay in control and start to twist your neck around hir penis, as if to cover all area with your tongue. Mix it up; keep hir guessing with varying speeds. Your tongue is the key. If it helps, pretend you are kissing the penis or massaging it as you would another tongue. As you allow the penis further into your mouth, be careful to cover your teeth with your lips. While some people like slight contact from teeth on the shaft of the penis, others are very frightened of it. Communicate first!
Keeping your hand firm around the base will mean you don’t have to force the whole thing in your mouth and keep the pleasure for the receiver high. Oral sex should be enjoyable for both participants. Gagging, choking and crying are not enjoyable or necessary for giving good head – most of the nerve endings are at the end of the penis. However, if you and your partner are comfortable with this, then by all means give it a go. (Try humming – your vocal cords should get a good response.)
If you and your partner are comfortable – push the boundaries. Gently sucking on hir balls or licking the glans (underside at the base of the penis) can boost your partners’ pleasure – but not everyone is keen on that, so communication again is very important.
Another popular position (and a bit dirtier) is when the receiver kneels while the giver bends over to perform oral sex. This provides the receiver with a good view of the ass in the air, and also gives them more control. In this position, the giver is limited to the movements they can make, but the receiver is likely to control the speed of the movements (similar to doggy-style sex).
Oral sex is a great start to intercourse, but is also often the main course itself. You should be able to tell as your partner approaches orgasm, or hopefully they will let you know. Remember, as always, safe sex is of utmost importance, and using a condom during fellatio is always recommendable. Do not take semen into your mouth unless you are absolutely 100% sure that it is free of STIs!
Jaw lock is the unspoken villain of fellatio. If your jaw is starting to get sore, take a wee break. Move your way back up the body for a kiss, or ask your partner if they wish for the deed to be reciprocated. Enjoy!
(Aka muff-diving, eating pussy, going down, giving head)
The key thing to remember when muff diving is, as always, communication. Aside from that, it’s important that you know your way well and truly around a cunt. Whilst every cunt is different, there are a few basic features that it helps to know fairly well. There is nowhere near enough space in this article, but labeled diagrams often make things easier (check out http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Human_Physiology/The_female_reproductive_system).
Also important is this: cunnilingus is not just foreplay. Ya can’t just dive in there! Warming a girl up is a good way to ensure you’re not spending so long down there that you give yourself a neck injury. Be imaginative with the foreplay – everyone’s got different turn-ons. And, as always, communication is the key to really turning someone on!
Generally, a good position (for those practiced and for the newbies) is the receiver lying on hir back, with your face between hir legs. Of course, this is only the start of the possibilities – but that is, again, a matter of experimentation and communication.
Starting out with indirect stimulation, keep communicating with your partner about how they’re feeling. Non-verbal communication is also an important part of this, as groaning, leaning into you, pulling your hair or body are all good signs that your partner is pretty into it.
Once ze’s wet and ready, start slowly and gently. Lick the slit between hir outer labia. Flatten your tongue and use wide, slow strokes around inner and outer lips, hir vagina, and hir clitoris. Experimenting with different pressure and strokes is a good idea, and keeping up communication with your partner will let you know what ze likes.
Tongue-fucking is a particular favourite of mine. The tongue is the strongest muscle in the body, and the sensation is amazing. Penetration in the form of fingers or a toy is also a good sensation, and sucking on the clitoris can be amazing for some – if done in moderation. But, once again, preferences differ.
Eating pussy is often one of the easiest ways to help your partner reach orgasm. Once you know what your partner prefers – if they seem close to the big ‘O’ – it’s a good idea to find a rhythm that works and stick with it.
Be wary of over-stimulation, and keep the communication open!
Going down on someone without protection means sharing body fluids – a large risk to take if there is any chance your partner may have an STI. Using dental dams cuts out this risk or, if you don’t have a dental dam, you can use a condom cut in half. Dental dams are available from D-Vice or, at a cheaper rate, from the New Zealand Prostitutes’ Collective on Willis St.
Dental dams are also a necessary measure when performing analingus, as it involves licking or inserting the anus, and the bacteria-spreading possibilities from this can have nasty consequences. If you’re worried about hygiene, cleaning with hot soapy water can help, as can enemas (which some people find a turn-on in itself). If doing an enema, it’s good to wait an hour before penetration for the enema to have full effect. Frequent enemas are also not a healthy idea.
The best positions for analingus are those where the receiver’s butt cheeks are naturally spread. Kneeling on all fours with legs spread, or on their back with their legs in the air are all good possibilities.
As with cunnilingus and fellatio, warming up is a good idea. Kissing and licking the back of the receiver’s thighs, fondling the butt cheeks, and teasing the crack with lips and tongue are all things to try.
Licking with different intensities and pressures, trying different rhythms and circling, lightly penetrating, or any other variations can work. As always, it’s a matter of personal preference, and the only way to find out what your partner prefers is to communicate with them about it!
It is important to remember that not everyone is comfortable with anal play, so analingus is again something that requires honest and open communication!
All of the hygiene and ‘preparation’ measures listed above for analingus apply to situations where anal penetration is on the cards. Discussion beforehand about limits, expectations and preferences is important preparation as well.
Anal penetration can be done via toys, fingers, or a penis. It is important to use a lot of lubrication with whatever you do, and protection in the form of condoms (on anything) may be a good idea.
Any sort of penetration must be controlled by the person being penetrated. The receiver should be in charge of every aspect of the penetration, and it’s important for the penetrator to remember to check what feels good! Take penetration slowly, especially if your partner has not had a lot of experience with anal play.
Penetration with fingers is a good place to start anal play, as when penetrating with fingers you can feel any clenching of the muscles.
Penetrating whilst the receiver is clenched will only lead to pain, so if you can feel this happening you can ensure the receiver is completely relaxed before continuing. Start slowly and softly, try different techniques until you know what the receiver likes. Moving your finger in a circular motion, moving in and out, and rotating your hand are all ideas to try.
You can use condoms over your fingers if you have cuts on your hand or want to avoid mess, and remember to keep your nails short and filed! Penile penetration is another challenge in itself. The basic things to remember are using plenty of lubrication, protection and communication!
Taking things slowly and gently, at least at first, is important. Remember, unprotected anal sex is one of the most risky activities in regard to catching the HIV virus, so using condoms is essential!
Toys can open up a whole new world of possibility when it comes to anal play. To learn more about any sort of anal toy, check out online stockists, or go visit D-Vice on Dixon St.
Butt plugs are inserted into the rectum, and can be left in or moved in and out. They come in varying shapes, sizes, colours, and prices. Most popular sizes are around 4 inches long, but there are some freaking huge ones out there – don’t let that put you off though!
Anal beads also come in different shapes and sizes, as well as ranging from soft to firm textured. They are a chain of balls (anywhere from 4-10) connected with nylon cord or plastic/rubber and are the most popular anal toys – especially among those just starting anal experimentation. Well-lubricated anal beads are inserted into the anus, bead by bead, and usually left in until the point of orgasm, when they are removed bead by bead, which apparently makes for mind-blowing orgasms.
Group sex, or sex involving more than two participants, can be pursued for many different reasons. Aside from the common male fantasy of being with two women at once, there are also women who want to be with two men at the same time – and those who like the variety and excitement of sex in larger groups.
Group sex can involve any activities between any two participants, as well as any variation of these, penetration by multiple people, or endless other possibilities. Because of all of these possibilities, it is even more important to ensure all of the members give informed consent, everyone is aware of each others’ boundaries, and there are clear safe words. Respect is essential!
Group sex makes the usual safe-sex considerations even more important than usual, as with an increase in the number of participants, there is a corresponding increase in the risk of contracting STIs. Make sure there is no sharing of bodily fluids, and make sure hands are clean, and nails are trimmed and filed.