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Elvis found! The World Shocked

Gonzo the News Mole



It has been long held that the King of Rock died a horribly painful death in 1986 at the hands of the horrible warlord Suron during the third age. But upon a leaked press document from the United States Internal Affairs Department, it would appear that Elvis survived the whole battle and is now in fine health.
Elvis Presley, the 1950’s heart throb and crack United States Marine Core super soldier project was long thought to have died in 1977 shitting his guts out on the crapper after 30 too many fried banana and peanut butter sandwiches and God knows how many different diet pills; but no, this was all a clever farce, for Elvis was saving mankind from worse demons and monsters than his stolen black man’s music, indeed he battled the evil forces of both Hitler and Suron. The two evil masterminds came to the conclusion about the time of the fall of the Berlin Wall that their power was better united than divided, and thus created a Shakespearian in Magnitude power struggle between the forces of evil and the forces of America. Elvis did what only Elvis was bred to do, and by the looks of things at the time sacrificed his life for the benefit of mankind by taking the full force of Suron’s Psychic attack in a final battle that lasted for six days on the slopes of Mount Everest.
Indeed it was confirmed today that Elvis did survive that power struggle and was retrieved by the United States top scientific officials, who would take him to the secret army testing facility located at Area 51 in the Nevada desert, specifically to the research and development wing ‘Hanger 18’, where he would undergo regeneration and bio-engineered improvements. Though the United States government has not yet held a press conference with Elvis to announce his triumphant return to the world, the government’s top brass have released the following statement to all press: “While we have kept the good people of the world in the dark about the fate of Elvis and his contributions to wars which we never published any information of, we did this with the best of intentions. It’s sad that the world has had to find out about Elvis’s impending return to the world of man in its time of need by a leaked document found in the search for God, but nonetheless this is how things are. Elvis, who is finishing up his last course of his rehabilitation, would like me to pass on that the world needs to ‘Stay cool, baby, and don’t think the Elvis has left the building. Ayee!’ and that the United States government will keep the people of the world in the loop about further developments.”
This can spell only one thing to G.N.M – that the shit is really about to hit the fan, and that Elvis is hopefully here to stem the tide in the favour of the continuing survival of mankind. This has baffled many sceptics who were often heard to remark that Elvis must have been abducted by aliens, but it seems that they are now having to eat their own words. G.N.M decided to enlist the foremost Elvis conspirator Dusty Hill to give us a low-down on what he hopes will become of Elvis’ return.
Hill: “Well it seems to me that Elvis cumin’ back at such an adumbral time is no doubt inductive of the United States hoping to come out on top of the coming struggle. The press release mentions that Elvis has undergone some augmentation in the time that he has been in rehabilitation, no doubt America has attempted to further the development of Elvis’ unimaginable power. I’m not currently willing to speculate in exactly how strong Elvis has become but I’m sure that it is great. However, I guess the case has to be made to whether Elvis will be a proven tested weapon or something more like Agent Orange, but the long and the short of this is that this so-called leaked document has galvanised the world into a more positive light, and has even detracted some from the return to the Church. A smart and calculated move by the military, and something that will surely make the coming battle for Earth something that may actually make me want to live to see.”
Hill raises some interesting points in that we can’t help but wonder if perhaps this is not really the return of a hero, but merely a publicity and moral building attempt by the United States in trying to regain lost faith in a problematic regime. G.N.M says hold on to those side burns people, and wait to see what the future holds. G.N.M, your nose for the news.
By G.N.M.
Black hair dye associated with terror
A new Bin Laden video surfaced last week, with the Al Qaeda leader sporting an apparently freshly dyed beard. Although his “rambling” (as described by every major news agency) speech has been heavily analysed and confirmed as genuine, anti-terrorism think tanks have shown a lack of imagination in not connecting the clearly placed dots: Black hair dye, like turbans and Arab eyes, is linked in some way with terrorism.
According to Azzam Tamimi, head of the London-based Institute of Islamic Political Thought, the beard dye is a “sign of war”. The rigorous Salafi Islamic school to which bin Laden belongs “condones this dye only in preparation for war,” he said.
The release of the video has caused great embarrassment for leader of the Progressive Party, Jim Anderton, who has recently been outed for using hair dye in the lead-up to elections. Anderton was not available for comment, but issued rambling denials that he is in anyway affiliated with terror. At least he’s not bald, though.
The connection casts heavy suspicion upon an emerging subculture in this country, described as “emo”. With their predilection for black hair dye, like the world’s most wanted man, they betray their desire to terrorise the world’s populace, and blow stuff up. Just as Osama bin Laden has declared a jihad in response to Western rejection of Islamic values (and the small issue of Saudi royalty), so emos seem to be fighting against rejection by the cool kids, in a world that doesn’t understand them.
The rapid spread of the movement is a serious security concern, raising the possibility that underground terrorist cells may already be operating in New Zealand. Director of the SIS, Warren Tucker, has been quoted as saying, “Teenagers scare the living shit out of me,” but assure New Zealanders that everything possible is being done to protect our families from this menace.