There are some good things to do during exams.
And there are some bad things to do during exams.
Some good things are to study. Studying is pretty helpful. When you read books you absorb the knowledge they contain. This knowledge can later be utilised when answering a question in an exam. Especially if you remember what it is—if you don’t remember then this is not good. So make sure you remember everything you read.
A good way to remember things is to be awake when you read the book. If you are not awake then you will not remember. Being drugged up on caffeine into a zombie-esque state is not awake either. So make sure you go to sleep and wake up at appropriate times. If you can’t go to sleep, take some other form of drug, which will make you fall asleep.
Actually, just take heaps of drugs. There is this movie, and I’m pretty sure it’s a documentary right, about these guys who keep smoking heaps of Mary Jane, and the more Mary Jane they smoke, the smarter they become, and they are like smoking that stuff heaps or something and then they get into Harvard, so maybe if you just drug yourself up a lot you will be really smart too.
Don’t actually take the drugs during the exam though; you might get kicked out of university entirely or something. You probably couldn’t apply for an Agrotat in this case, since it doesn’t really cover drug taking. But either way, these methods are not really good because then you won’t be able to sit the exam.
Don’t start fires at the Mount Street Bar either or the Uni will ban you from entering the premises. Actually, don’t start fires anywhere, especially not indoors because you’ll also get banned. And then you won’t be able to sit your exam. That’s not good—ask Joel Cosgrove, he’ll tell you. Even if you didn’t start a fire, don’t film it, because you will get kicked out too.
Come study at uni: it’s so cool and you probably won’t procrastinate as much. It’s really warm and inviting. Bring your sleeping bag and your toothpaste too. That way you’ll have something to keep you warm, and a source of food. You probably could sleep here too, just lie under a table or something. And stay quiet. Very quiet. Especially when security come around.
During exam times, you need to make sure you eat well. Good foods include eggs, fish and potatoes. These help your brain think and make you smart. Make sure you get plenty of water too. Alcohol doesn’t count as water, most of the time. If your tastebuds can’t tell the difference, try setting it alight. If it catches, it is most likely alcoholic. (Just don’t do it on uni premises, see above point.)
You could start a discussion group. They make studying fun, because you get to talk about what you have studied. And then during exams, you can sit behind them and copy what they have written. But don’t get caught. That’s called ‘cheating’. And if you cheat, you’ll get you kicked out, motherfucker.
If you are confused about your notes, seek help from a lecturer. Lecturers can be really helpful, especially if you’re in love with them. Not love as in ‘I want sexy time’, but love as in ‘I think you are an amazing person’. Though, your love might include both. Then you’ll get to spend some special time with them and then you can write about it to Salient. Hurrah.
If all else fails you can sleep with your lecturer for an A+!
Good luck!