Warning: Ground-breaking investigative journalism to follow.
An extremely rushed investigation by Salient has revealed that David Seymour may gain more votes on Dancing With the Stars (DWTS) than in the 2017 general election.
DWTS received ratings of 213,469 New Zealanders in the 25-54 age bracket. Its broadcaster Mediaworks did not divulge how many voted in the competition, but this reporter felt about 10% were likely to give a fuck about the show, so he estimated that 10% of the audience voted, giving 21, 346.9 votes.
Of that number, he estimated that 40% of the votes would go to Mother of the Nation Suzy Cato, 35% would go to random Kiwis being lauded as “celebrities”, and the remaining 25% would go to ACT party leader and living caricature David Seymour, purely for the memes.
If DWTS maintains its ratings, and Mr Seymour endures as the meme lord we all know him to be, he will receive an average of 5,336.725 votes per week on the show.
Electoral Commission figures reveal David Seymour and ACT received a combined total of 29,580 votes in the 2017 General Election. Accordingly, it will take just five more weeks on the show before David Seymour receives more votes there than he has in politics.
When asked for his thoughts on these calculations via the only reliable way to communicate with him – Snapchat – the Epsom MP cryptically replied: “Who knows what the numbers are?”
The answer is that Salient does. It knows that these numbers mean Seymour stands to be more popular with the New Zealand public doing a jive, than talking about the merits of Ayn Rand or trickle-down economics.
*Disclaimer: This is shit news*