Hi Victoria University! How’s it going being esteemed academics? I just did a bit of googling, actually, to find out how esteemed we all are (it’s important for a serious journalist to know her target audience) and only one percent of the entire world has any kind of tertiary education! Wow!
Normally I just write on my blog and only the internet can read that, so I don’t always feel so self-conscious about my vocabulary. Usually I write about things that offend me (like homophobia and slut shaming) but I thought that for my first column I could write about cheese in a thinly veiled attempt to get you all to like me. Perhaps, if I cram this column with lots of cheesy puns you might think I’m a really fetalented writer. Is it working? Do you think I’m less parmesanctimonious?
To be clear, I want you to know that in NO WAY am I offended by cheese. In fact, I fucking love cheese. Once I read this thing on the internet about how people love dairy products so much because milk has all the calming things in it that baby cows like and I think it’s probably true, because often, after a busy morning being offended by Man Yoghurt/Paul Henry/The Rock, I buy a feta salad for lunch. But you know what? Feta salads never have enough fucking feta in them. It really isn’t gouda enough. I thought that I could perhaps review these salads in this column, in between the social justice stuff, because the personal is the political and my cheese is nobody’s cheese but mine.
The first salad I’m going to review is from Wishbone. Wishbone have that pre-packaged thing going for them, and I guess they are going for a ‘home cooking’ vibe. There’s a possibility that their meals actually taste like home cooking, but this is probably only if you live in the Home-Of-No-Condiments or the Home-Where-Nothing-Is-Delicious-Ever or maybe even the Home-Of-The-Seven-Dollar-Sandwiches. I actually heard somewhere that Wishbone donates their leftover food to charity and I used to eat there in first year, so I guess they can’t be all bad. Then again, in first year I used to like getting fingered on the dance floor at Coyote’s so I guess that time makes you bolder, as Fleetwood Mac would say, and tastes can change. So without further fondue, my cheddarlings, my kitchen scales and I have combined to provide you with the following information.
The Suspect:
Wishbone Roast Vegetable and
Feta Salad
Cost: $8.10
The Feta Weighs: 18g
The Rest of the Salad Weighs:220g
Prosecution:
How is it possible for the pumpkin to be so sloppy when the kumara is as undercooked as John Key’s stance on Hosni Mubarak? Why doesn’t the vinaigrette taste like something/anything? And why is the rocket so dry? It’s like eating thousands of neck-scratching clothing labels.
Defence:
There are pine nuts. Only about nine of them mind you.
Verdict:
Guilty. This is an offensive salad.