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Beer Wisdom

Neil Miller



Beer has an unfair reputation for making you say the dumbest things (“it doshen’t give my opponents muscth time either”). In reality, beer is more likely to make you say a clever thing at completely the wrong moment.

Throughout history, beer has inspired some of the greatest words of wisdom ever heard. From the ancient Egyptians to horror writers, people great and humble have felt the need to record their love for beer and this week’s column presents a sampling of the best in beer wisdom.
As early as 2200 BC, the Egyptians knew that ‘the mouth of a perfectly happy man is filled with beer’. Non-gender specific language would not be invented for some time.
Beer writer Michael Jackson exhibited his famous subtlety when he observed “drinking really cold beer is like slapping yourself in the face with an ice pick.”
Easily the most used beer quote comes from noted cognoscenti Homer J. Simpson with “Mmmmm… beer. My one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will.”
Frank Kelly Rich has a weakness for many beverages, as expected of a writer at Modern Drunkard Magazine. He argued, ”while a wine snob is expected to speak enough French to enrage a Frenchman, the beer snob only needs to speak enough English to infuriate an Englishman, which only requires slurring ‘Hey you remember when we saved your butts from the Germans back in Dubya Dubya Two? Remember that?’”
The Czechs predictably have a few pertinent thoughts on beer, confirming “A fine beer may be judged with only one sip, but it’s better to be thoroughly sure,” and warning, “the government will fall that raises the price of beer.”
Samuel Johnson, an enormous brain box, looked up from his dictionary long enough to opine, “No, sir, there is nothing which has yet been contrived by man by which so much happiness is produced as by a good Tavern or Inn.”
The gruesome brain of Stephen King is reputed to have coined the phrase, “I work until beer o’clock.”
Less plausibly, the Tui billboard claimed, “Her butt walked into my hand.”
More plausibly, Inspector Morse revealed, “Light beer is an invention of the Prince of Darkness.”
I could go on for pages but then there would be no room for extended coverage the wacky antics of our lovable executive. Therefore, we move the big finish with the two cleverest quotes.
The first is another Tui billboard which crams more brilliance into four words than the average thesis – “I past NCEA Inglish”. Ask the person next to you if you don’t get it.
The second makes a more serious point in an equally funny way. Stephen Beaumont, one of my favorite writers, said “beer drinkers have been duped by mass marketing into the belief that it makes sense to drink only one brand of beer. In truth, brand loyalty in beer makes no more sense than ‘vegetable loyalty’ in food. Can you imagine it? ‘No thanks, I’ll pass on the mashed potatoes, carrots, bread and roast beef. Me, I’m strictly a broccoli man.’”