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Asking the hard question

Hannah Cooke



DMX, dawg killa
‘This is for my dogs, this is for my dogs
This is for my dogs, this is for my dogs
This is for my dogs, this is for my dogs
This is for my dogs my niggaz’
– DMX ‘For my Dogs’
In a wry twist of fate, we are fortunate enough to discuss another dog-related topic with you again this week. Not only is it dog related, but also famous big buff black dude related. This week’s dog dude is none other than the rapper DMX, notorious for his ‘arf, arf, arf’ weird barking sound he makes in some of his raps, which you know, kinda sounds like…a dog and is like totally iconic.
So why is DMX hot in dog news right now? Well, it was reported that cops were called to his home after claims of mistreatment of dogs (though apparently popping caps in bitches’ asses or whatever is perfectly sweet). DMX had 12 pit bulls tied up in his backyard.
TWELVE. This seems super dumb. Why keep twelve dogs if you only mistreat them? Doesn’t that mean that you don’t like dogs? That you are not a “dog person”? Perhaps you should get a cat?
But what is even weirder and actually kind of terrible is the fact that the cops found DEAD dogs, some of which had been buried in his garden.
And to make matters worse, he apparently has blamed it on the servant (housemaid/assistant/whatever) who was in charge of the dogs. We guess the anguished barks of twelve pit bulls just didn’t penetrate the hardened eardrums of DMX. He probably had some hard-core headphones on that cancel out outside noise. Or, we would argue, more likely he was too knee-deep in hip-hop pussy to care.
Outraged by such horrendous animal mistreatment, we went online (yes that’s right, online) to research more. We found a site called the hecklerspray.com, which had an article on DMX and his puppies. This article brought up all the important issues: ‘DMX has raised the hip-hop badass bar once again, possibly setting off a violent East Coast/West Coast animal mistreatment war. Who knows where the violence will end – Snoop Dogg leaving a puppy in a car on a hot day? Ja Rule drowning a kitten in a bin bag? 50 Cent chasing a swan around with a hammer?’
We really hope this happens. At least the 50 Cent one. That guy, clad in bullet-proof vest, chasing a swan with a hammer is probably the funniest image that we can think of right now.